


Your love will be safe with me

by stanthemhard



Category: Black Widow (Movie 2020), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Maria Hill Feels, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Quote: Love is for children, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23971939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stanthemhard/pseuds/stanthemhard
Summary: A short blackhill story in which Natasha has love/trust issues and Maria is the softest of humans.or,Maria has always been a very hard working person. Nothing is more important to her than her carrer. But when a new recruit is brought in by Clint Barton, Maria soon realises that her growing feelings for the famous Russian spy might get the better of her.Natasha has just joined S.H.I.E.L.D. At first reluctant to the idea, she eventually befriends Clint Barton. An unexpected and rather violent 'hug' with Maria Hill during a FUBAR mission gets her all worked up. With Clint's help, Natasha tries to figure out what's happening to her.
Relationships: Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 19
Kudos: 110





	1. I'm not out of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> Maria Hill slam-hugs Natasha Romanov.
> 
> (small reference to sexist behaviours / very very quick mention of masturbation)

It was more of a collision than a hug really. But then their bodies were so close that it felt like a hug.

When Fury called her into his office, she immediately noticed the anger and fright on his face. Two of his best agents were trapped in one of Hydra’s facilities _‘in the middle of fucking nowhere in Kansas’_. It was supposed to be a simple mission. Go in, retrieve the intel and get out. But then it went FUBAR. Hydra must have been tipped off because once Barton and Romanov were inside the facility, they had to deal with a lot more of heavily armed soldiers than expected.

“I want you and your team to go in. The Quinjet is ready to leave. I’ve already called your team. I’ll brief you on the way.”

She matched his fast pace and nodded.

“Yes, sir.”

_My team._

She was still not used to it. She was appointed head of the team six months ago and she still had not wrapped her head around it. Fury trusted her with the lives of four other agents. Well, the word “agents” was an understatement. “Friends” was a more appropriate one. Four friends. She shook the thought away when Fury handed her a tablet.

“The east and south wings were neutralised, but they are still a lot of Hydra soldiers in the north and west ones. Agents Barton and Romanov are hiding somewhere near the armoury right here.”

He indicated a small room on the digital map.

“Agent Barton is injured but it’s not life threatening. Agent Romanov sounds fine, but I suspect she is running out of ammunition. Hence them hiding near the armoury. They might try to force their way in.”

She nodded.

“All clear Agent Hill?”

She nodded again.

“Yes, sir. I’ll brief my agents while we are on route.”

He placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. It was meant to be reassuring, encouraging.

“Stay safe Agent Hill and bring those two idiots back in one piece please.”

She smiled: “I’ll try my best.”

“I know you will.”

She did not watch him leave while she herself speed-walked to the Quinjet where her team was already waiting. The team was composed of Melinda May, Phil Coulson, Bobbi Morse and Sharon Carter. Her friends and colleagues.

When she finally addressed them, her voice was steady. It was the one she used when she oversaw the new recruits. She was not Maria anymore; she was Agent Hill.

“Barton and Romanov need our help. They were ambushed by soldiers from Hydra in a godforsaken facility in Kansas. I’m briefing you once we’re in the air. Wheels up!”

*

Getting into the building was easy. Getting out was something else. Barton was injured. A bullet wound to the leg. Romanov was fine, and just like Fury had suspected it, she was out of ammunition. Maria handed her one of her guns. Then she gave them her orders.

“May and Carter, you take the front. Coulson, you are in charge of Barton. Morse, you are covering them both. Romanov, you and I take the back. All clear?”

They all nodded at once.

“Good. Let’s go _now_. I doubt the grenades we threw will hold them back long enough.”

The small group fell into a perfect line and made its way through the west wing. May and Carter took down three soldiers and Morse another two. They were about to reach the exit point when a group composed of eight soldiers came out of nowhere.

_Fuck._

“Take cover!”, Maria yelled.

They all took cover at once. Carter and May behind a large pillar up front. Morse, Coulson and Barton behind a container. Maria behind on pillar and Romanov behind another one a few feet away from her.

Barton managed to take one man down with a shot aimed at his throat before his wounded leg gave in under him. Coulson shot too, taking down two more soldiers. He could have died in the process if it were not for Morse who yanked him back behind the container as a bullet hit the wall, a few inches above his left ear, making hole in the concrete.

_We need to take them down fast._

“Romanov!”, she whispered. “Cover me.”

Romanov gave her a thumbs up. She aimed at a soldier, a woman, and shot. Maria seized the opportunity to move and ran to take cover behind another pillar closer to Romanov and the rest of the team. Romanov’s shot was clean. Right in between the woman’s eyes. She did not stand a chance. Romanov was the Black Widow after all. Then it was Maria’s turn to take a soldier down. A man with a sniper rifle.

_Five down. Three more to go._

Carter threw a gas grenade as May moved closer to their enemies. Once the gas made her out of sight, she took two more soldiers down and immediately took cover behind another pillar, adrenaline coursing through her veins. She winked at Carter. A silent _‘good job’_.

_My team is good. We’re doing good. One man to go._

Maria knew it was over for him. He knew it too. But he took his chance anyway. As he was reloading his gun, Romanov stepped out from behind the pillar, calmly walked towards him and took him down. A shot to the head and one to the throat. They had to move fast. Backup would be here soon, and if so, they were screwed.

“Move, move, move! Same formation as before. Go, _now_!”

Maria’s voice was loud, authoritarian.

They moved as fast as they could. Coulson was carrying Barton now, his leg too weak to support his weight. They were nearly out of the facility when Maria noticed something, or rather someone, move in the corner of her left eye. She only had the time to blink twice before a grenade was thrown into the air landing a few feet away from Romanov.

_Shit._

She had to act quick, she knew it. Those hydra-grenades usually imploded within 10 seconds. So, without a second thought, she ran full force into Romanov sending them crashing down a few meters away from the grenade. They landed with a loud thud on the concrete floor as the grenade exploded next to where Romanov was standing mere seconds ago.

Later, while reading the report, Maria would learn that the man who threw the grenade was the one with the sniper rifle and that it was Morse who took him down. A shot to the head.

She knew the fall was going to be bad but banging her head against the concrete floor was not part of the plan. When her face collided with the ground, sharp pain erupted on the left side of her forehead and she instantly felt the blood spilling out from what would be a deep cut. The detonation was loud. Too loud. Her ears were ringing. She could feel Romanov’s body under hers. She tried to sit up to make sure the other agent was not harmed, but her head was killing her. Everything around her was spinning. Her vision was blurring out.

_Fuck_.

_Fuck_.

_What’s happening to me._

She could hear the distant echo of a voice, but her ears were still ringing. A high-pitch noise. She tried to shake her head to make it go away but it made the dizziness worse.

“Agent Hill? Agent Hill? Can you hear me?”

Maria’s body was pressed against Natasha’s side, arms wrapped tightly around the woman’s waist. As for Natasha’s free arm, it was looped behind Maria’s back and her hand was resting in between the brunette’s shoulder blades.

“Agent Hill? Are you okay?”

That was when Natasha noticed the blood. Thick, deep red blood pooling down from Maria’s forehead.

“Fuck! Hill, you’re bleeding!”

Slowly, Natasha managed to sit them both up. Maria was still holding tight onto her, but her arms had now shifted up to her torso. Natasha did not let go of Maria. Instead, she secured her hold around the other agent’s waist and tried to untangle their legs.

The ringing in Maria’s ears was slowly fading away. Both agents were covered in dust and dirt, while the hot and sticky blood from Maria’s cut was now dripping all over her combat suit. She could feel it run down the side of her face, dripping on the floor too.

Natasha’s voice was hoarse when she spoke again: “Agent Hill? Look at me. Agent Hill, eyes on me.”

Maria did not move. Her eyes were fixing the pool of blood forming on the floor.

_So much blood._

Natasha tried again: “Agent Hill?”

Nothing. “Maria?”

Maria finally looked up at her. Natasha’s face was so impossibly close to hers, she could feel the redhead’s hot breath on her lips.

“Maria. Look at me. Do you remember what happened?”

They bodies were so close. Romanov’s body radiated so much heat it was astonishing.

_She’s hot. Literally._

“Grenade”, Maria managed to choke out.

“Yes. A grenade. You tackled me and banged your head pretty hard on the ground.”

Maria frowned. Her vision was blurring out a little. Warm fingers taped on her chin and lifted her head up a little.

“Maria. Maria. Eyes on me. Keep your eyes on me.”

_She smells of apple shampoo. And gun powder. Gosh, she smells nice._

Maria tried to nod. She winced. Natasha’s grip tightened around her waist. Maria could feel the woman moving under her. She stared at the redhead’s face. Her eyes were a mix of shades of green and blue. She had never seen eyes like hers. Her gaze shifted to her nose, she noticed small freckles.

_The Black Widow has freckles. How cute._

“Maria, we have to move. I’m going to help you get up, ok?”

_She’s pretty. I knew she was… but, wow._

Maria was now staring at her lips.

_Fuck! What’s wrong with me. Maria, focus!_

Natasha did not wait for an answer. She managed to lift herself up, pulling Maria closer to her to make her stand on her own feet. Once Maria had regained a bit of her balance, Natasha wrapped one of Maria arms around her neck and took Maria’s hand in hers, while her other arm was still around Maria’s waist.

“Maria, we are going to move now. I’m holding you but you need to walk.”

Maria groaned. Her head was killing her. Natasha managed to drag them out of the facility where Carter helped her carry Maria back to the Quinjet.

It was a long and excruciating walk. But they made it to the Quinjet just before gun shots coming from the facility were aimed at them.

_My head is killing me._

Her vision blurred out again. She could hear familiar voices in the distance but could not quite make out what they were saying.

“Where am I?”

It was Romanov who answered: “In the Quinjet. We’re taking you back to the Helicarrier.”

She let herself be settled in one of the small army beds they had onboard. Someone – Romanov – covered her with a warm blanket and poked an IV into her left arm.

“Is anyone injured?”

Natasha could hear the concern in Maria’s voice. “No, everybody’s fine. Your team is fine. Barton’s wound is only superficial. He will survive. You have a mild concussion. We’re taking you to the med bay as soon as we arrive.”

Maria nodded. She felt silent for a bit. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. The high-pitch noise in her ears was nearly gone but the dizziness still would not fade away.

_I was bleeding._

She tried to touch the cut on her forehead, but warm fingers wrapped themselves around her own and pulled Maria’s hand down.

“No touching Hill. We don’t want it to get infected.”

_Natas-Agent Romanov’s fingers._

Maria opened her eyes again. She wanted to take a good look at Romanov’s face. Again. So, while Romanov was looking away, she stared at her eyes. She then let her gaze drop to her lips. But she quickly looked away out of embarrassment. Romanov had caught her staring.

“Are you injured?”

Romanov gave her a smile: “A sprained wrist, a few bruises and some cracked ribs. Nothing life threatening. I’ll be ok.”

“Good.”

Maria fell silent again.

Romanov squeezed her hand and let go of it.

“I’m gonna check on Barton. See how pretty boy is doing.”

“You do that.”

Romanov got up from her spot but did not move.

“Thank you. For saving my life back there.”

“Nothing to thank me for. I was just doing my job.”

Romanov smirked.

“You should rest now.”

And just like that she was gone.

Maria drifted off a few times during the twenty minutes ride back. Carter stayed with her the whole time. Once the Quinjet had landed, she took Maria to the med bay and later to the debriefing room.

*

Fury congratulated them for their good work. He gave them three days off and a firm handshake.

“You did good Agent Hill. You can be proud of your team. Keep up the good work.”

She smiled. She was so tired. Her entire body was hurting, and the headache was not helping.

_'You had a mild concussion', the doctor said. 'The head CT came back clean so I’m letting you go back to your room. You’ll be fine. Please, try to get some sleep and come back tomorrow for a check-up.'_

“Thank you, sir. Yes, sir.”

“Now go rest Agent Hill, you look like shit.”

She laughed a little.

“Thank you, sir.”

Carter took her back to her room.

“Gosh you scared the shit out of me Maria.”

Sharon’s voice was soft, there was no traces of aggressiveness in it.

“I’m sorry Sharon. I didn’t mean to scare you like this.”

Sharon smiled. Then hugged her. It was brief, a light embrace and Maria did not resist. She was not the affectionate type when it came to friends, but she let Sharon hug her anyway. Over the years, she had learned that is was how the blonde showed she cared.

“Thank you for staying with me the whole time”, she said once they parted.

“It’s okay. Now get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow. We can go and grab lunch together if you want?”

Maria swiped her e-card on the dashboard and opened the door to her quarters. “I’d like that very much. Good night Sharon.”

“Goodnight Maria.”

*

When she went to bed that night, her mind was wild. She twisted and turned, ruffling the thin sheets around. She tried and tried again, but there was nothing to do. She could not go to sleep. Her mind would not stop thinking about Natasha.

_It’s Romanov, not Natasha._

Maria had only seen her twice since Natasha Romanov, aka The Black Widow, had joined S.H.I.E.L.D a few months back. Both times, Maria had been struck by the woman’s intelligence. Both times, Maria had watched her elaborate plans even Fury’s mind could not have thought of. She was smart. Very smart. And, very pretty.

Maria did not see women as trophies. She knew she had a ‘slight’ – well that could be debated upon – crush on the new agent but never had it once crossed her mind that taking Romanov to dinner could be a competition. And as sad as it this thought was, it was. Some of the male agents had placed a bet on Romanov: the agent who could get the Black Widow to say 'yes' to a date, and hell even say 'yes' to sex, would be remembered as the strongest, smartest man on the Helicarrier. It made Maria sick.

Of course, Romanov had kindly turned down all of those who had asked her out. Rumour had it that she was sleeping with Barton, giving a ‘good’ explanation to why she was declining so many handsome and strong men.

_Of course. So much for men’s ego._

Maria knew – well it was more like hoped really – the interest she had in Romanov was only temporary. In a few weeks she would be over it.

_One is always intrigued by what is new and mysterious._

So, she did what she knew how to do best. And that was her job. She was good at her job. Excellent even. Rumour had it – again – that she could one day become Deputy Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Maria did not pay attention to the rumours. She minded her own business and saved lives. That was why she was here in the first place.

But she could not forget how Romanov had hold on tight to her waist. How cute she thought the small freckles on her nose were. How the different shades of blue and green in her eyes made them seem surreal. Natasha Romanov was getting inside her head and Maria did not like it.

She was restless and it was infuriating. She could not go to the gym. The doctor had said _‘No more exercise for at least two days. We don’t want you dying in the middle of a sparring practice’_.

So, when Maria finally went to sleep, it was with one hand buried deep between her legs and the ghost of Natasha’s name on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this first chapter. Feel free to ask me or to comment on anything. I'll post chapter 2 soon.
> 
> See you around.


	2. Saw death on the sunny snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharon gets shot. Natasha saves her and Maria gives her a 'thank you' hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: mention of domestic abuse, mention of death (minor character).

Maria did not see Romanov for another two months. She and Barton were on a mission involving undercover and taking down a Hydra cell somewhere in Europe. Maria was a bit disappointed. She had hoped that maybe, she would have seen a bit more of the redhead. But she knew better than to dwell on foolish desires. Romanov was a trained assassin now working for S.H.I.E.L.D. She had better things to do than to make friends with Maria.

In the span of those two months, Maria and her team had worked hard, taking down minor Hydra cells all around the globe and rescuing a good amount of FUBAR missions. Fury was pleased with her work and had put her up for a promotion: Maria would soon be a Level 9 Security Clearance Agent. This meant she and her team would be overseeing bigger missions. Missions that really made a difference. She was proud. She was happy. Things were settling down right for her and she knew she deserved it. Life had not been easy on her. She had owned this promotion. It’s what Fury had told her when he asked for her in his office.

“Since you were appointed head of the team you have exceeded all my expectations, Agent Hill. You were always a good agent but since you successfully rescued Agents Romanov and Barton your work is getting better by the day. You and your team are _thriving_ , I mark my words. I think it’s fair to say that you deserve this promotion. Congratulations Agent Hill!”

“Thank you, Sir!”, she smiled.

“You should better inform your team before word gets out. I’m not quite sure May will be very pleased if she learns it from anyone else but from you.”

May had always been like a mentor to Maria. Of course, she’d be the first one to know.

_Well, her and Sharon._

Maria was already opening the door when Fury talked again. She stopped, hand still on the doorknob.

“Agent Hill, one last thing. I’m giving you and your team the night off. Have a small celebration. Drink. Have fun. Do whatever makes you happy.”

She smiled. “Yes, Sir. I better go then. Thank you.”

He did not answer nor look at her when she left his office. He was always like that. Fury. While it sometimes seemed like he did not care, he always made sure his agents were doing fine, granting them nights off or weekends when he deemed it necessary. Maria respected him. He was a good man. She knew she could always be honest with him when something work-related was bothering her. He would listen, mutter something – she could swear she heard him say _‘motherfucker’_ a couple of times – and ask how he could help. Fury was a good boss. He only ever asked two things from his agents: look out for one another and get the job done.

And that’s what Maria did. She looked out for her team and they got the job done.

“Congratulations boss! You’ve deserved it!”

Maria smiled: “Thank you, Sharon. Now come on, lets celebrate. And please don’t call me boss when we’re off duty.”

Sharon poked her in the ribs: “Your wishes are my command Maria.”

“That’s better.”

They smiled at one another.

May and Carter found a nice spot for their small gathering in one of the labs. Morse ordered their favourite pizzas and Coulson brought a bottle of his best scotch – Maria’s favourite. It was a nice evening. And as she laughed to one of Coulson’s dad jokes, the thought of Romanov’s green eyes finally slipped her mind.

*

She was called about a three weeks later by Coulson. His tone was unsteady, and he had trouble voicing out a proper sentence. Maria was on leave. Fury had forced her to take two days off after a particularly rough mission.

_“Agent Hill, I want you to take two days off.”_

_She tried to protest but Fury was not having it._

_“Agent Hill, it’s an order. I want you to go home, watch a movie, go out and see some friends. I don’t care. Just take some damn time off!”_

_She huffed but she knew better than to piss Fury off. “Yes, Sir.”_

So, there she was, sitting on her couch in a flat that looked more like a safe house really, watching a silly program. White walls, black and white furniture, no decoration. Nothing. Only an old picture of a military squad. Hers. Three men, two women. They were all smiling. They looked a bit tired but happy. And if one looked closer, one could notice how close she and a tall and handsome young man were.

Maria hated it when she was off the Helicarrier. She hated the silent of her empty flat. She hated the fact that she had nothing to do, except watch some TV and cook. She liked to cook, but she liked working better.

_Twenty-one hours down. Twenty-seven more to go._

She was bored out of her mind. Fury had blocked all her access codes to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s files. If she had thought about getting some paperwork done from home, Fury had made sure she could not.

She was startled by the sudden ring of her cell phone. No one ever called her on her personal one. Well, that was not quite true. Her mother sometimes called her on this phone and the team had the number in case of an emergency. She grabbed it from the coffee table in front of her and looked at the number flashing on her screen.

_Coulson_.

She answered.

“Hi, Coulson", she paused. "Phil. What’s happening? I don’t understand a single word of what you’re saying.”

“I… I… Maria, something bad happened. Really bad. I…”, Maria heard some noise in the background then May was on the phone.

“Maria. Sorry about that, Phil’s a bit shaken up.”

“Melinda, what’s wrong?”

May went silent for a few seconds. When she talked again her voice was soft. Softer than what Maria had ever heard it be.

“Sharon was out on a mission in Iceland with Bobbi. Romanov and Barton needed their help to bring in one of Hydra’s agents. They were caught in a crossfire and Sharon was shot.”

Maria’s breath caught up in her throat.

_No. No. Tell me she’s not dead._

“She’s not dead. She’s in surgery right now. The bullet went through her liver. The doctors said she’ll be okay. They also said she would dead if it wasn’t for Romanov.”

Maria let out a cry of relief. She practically jumped off the couch and ran to her bedroom. She was already packing her duffel bag when she talked again.

“What happened?”

“Bobbi’s in shock so I didn’t quite get everything but, from what I've gathered, the guy they brought in was on surveillance. Hydra didn’t want us to bring him in and tried to shoot him dead during the extraction. Sharon took the bullet trying to cover him – apparently the guy is worth a lot of valuable information. Bobbi says Romanov acted really fast, she managed to stop the bleeding and carried Sharon all the way to the Quinjet.”

_Agent Romanov. How convenient._

“Was anyone else injured?”

“No. Thankfully no. Bobbi is still in shock though. Apparently, Sharon lost a lot of blood and fainted in Bobbi’s arms. She said the snow around them was covered in her blood.”

_Poor Bobbi._

Maria knew the feeling all too well. She had herself watch one of her best friends and fellow soldiers bleed to death in her arms. The thought still haunted her some nights. She closed her eyes and shrugged the bad memory away.

_Not now._

“Okay I’m on my way. I’ll be at the Helicarrier in an hour.”

“I’ll let Fury know.”

They fell silent for a bit.

“Maria?”

“Yeah.”

“She’ll be okay. Don’t worry.”

_What if the surgery goes wrong and she dies? What if I don’t get to say goodbye? What if I lose her just like I lost Samuel?_

That was the part of her job she hated the most, aside from all the paperwork obviously. Losing people and not being able to do something about it. Feeling helpless was one of her worst fears.

“I know. I know”, she lied. “Thank you for calling me. Will Phil be okay?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, I’m taking care of him. I better let you go. See you.”

And she hung up.

When Maria finally arrived, Sharon was already out of surgery. She was lying in her hospital bed, IVs’ poked into both arms. Her face looked so tired. Her eyes were closed, she was probably asleep. Maria tried her best not to make any noise when she entered the bedroom. The doctors had settle Sharon in one of the individual rooms of the med bay. They wanted her to rest properly. Maria pulled a chair over and sat next to the bed. She gently took Sharon’s left hand in hers and started stroking the top of it with her thumb.

Sharon opened her eyes and smiled. Her voice was hoarse when she talked: “Hi there.”

“Hey”, Maria whispered.

She bit back a sob.

_Sharon is awake. Sharon is going to be fine._

Sharon squeezed Maria’s hands and smiled. “Oh, common. Don’t cry. I’m okay.”

“I know. I know. Gosh I was so scared.”

“I’m sorry Maria”, and she was. Sharon new about Maria’s friend. Samuel. He had died in combat. He was the friend Maria desperately tried to save and helplessly watched bleed to death. They had only talked about him once. It was brief. Sharon did not push.

**

The first and only time Sharon heard Samuel's name was during one of the first big missions she and Maria did together for S.H.I.E.L.D. Maria was sleeping on the couch near the kitchen and Sharon was keeping an eye on their target. A woman. S.H.I.E.L.D. suspected her of stealing information from one of their secret projects and of selling them to the highest bidder. Something about a transparent face mask that could change your features. It was above both of their security clearances, so they did not bother to ask. They trusted their handler enough to know it was about something important.

The safe house they were hidden in was more of a safe flat really. A studio if you asked Maria. It was not old but not new either. Maria could count three cracks in the lounge's sealing, one broken cupboard in the kitchen and broken drain in the bathroom. But the place was fine. It was clean and they had enough food and water for them both. They were not going to stay there long anyway. Their mission was supposed to last four days tops. It lasted three days and two nights, a short time during which the two agents happily shared the small space. The only thing that bothered them was the lack of bedroom. Just a convertible couch. But they made it work. On the first night, Sharon offered to take the first shift.

“I can take the first shift if you want. I’ll wake you up at 0400 and then we can change again at 0900.”

“Sounds good to me”, Maria answered. She smiled at the blonde. “Let me make you some coffee while you settle down.”

“Make it extra strong please. I’m gonna need the boost after today.”

Maria groaned.

“I know. Today was horrible.”

Today had been horrible. Their Commander had made them train for hours before they were assigned to the surveillance detail. He could be annoying sometimes but he was one of the good guys. Maria liked him, as much as you can like a commander. He knew what he was doing and that was the only thing that really mattered to her.

Once the coffee was ready, she poured Sharon a large mug and placed it on the coffee table next to where she was sitting. She gave Sharon a tap on the shoulder and let herself fall into the couch. As she tried to find a comfortable position, Sharon took a sip from her mug and smirked.

“Goodnight sleeping beauty.”

Maria snorted.

“Funny. See ya later.”

**

Sharon and Maria had been on the same team for at least six months back then. When Maria had first joined S.H.I.E.L.D., she kept to herself most of the time. She was never one to take part in the celebrations or group reunions. After what had happened in Afghanistan, she had promised herself she would never make friends with other recruits again. It was too painful. But Sharon was different.

Sharon was the friendly kind of girl. Always making sure the people around her were doing fine, always making sure no one was left out. She had invited Maria to a couple of the new recruits’ gatherings, but Maria had politely decline each time. And Sharon never pushed. She would nod and smile.

“Suit yourself Hill. If you change your mind you know where to find us. See you around.”

Sharon was never out of line, never intrusive. Maria like that about her. So, one day, one very bad day, Maria said _‘yes’_ and Sharon took her to a bar a few blocks away from where they were stationed. Most of the other recruits were there too. Maria had a nice time that evening. By the end of the night, she was drunk. More than what she could usually handle. But today had been a bad day. She had a good excuse. She needed to clear her mind out for a bit and the booze did the job. As the night was coming to an end, the place they were at was slowly clearing out. The music was still one but most of the people were either to drunk to stand straight or fast asleep on the bar's wooden benches. Maria wanted to have one last drink. She could already feel the strong vodka burning down her throat. That’s when Sharon appeared out of nowhere. She was tipsy but definitely not as drunk as Maria.

“Okay Hill, I think you’ve had enough for tonight. I’m taking you back to the base.”

“Come on Carter”, Maria dramatically rolled the first _‘r’_. “I’m having fun here. Let me have one last drink.”

Maria tried to grab a bottle of vodka. Sharon yanked her away from the bar before she could get her hands on it. Sharon wrapped her arm around Maria’s shoulders, slowly walking her towards the exit.

“Geez, Hill. I never thought you were that kind of drunk!”

Maria glared at her.

“And what kind of drunk am I, uh?”

“The annoying kind.”

“Fuck you, Carter”, Maria giggled and poked Sharon in the ribs. Sharon returned the laugh.

Maria tried to get rid of Sharon’s arm around her shoulders but nearly fell in the process. Sharon caught her before she crashed into the floor and helped her stand up straight again.

“Ohhhhhhh. I think I’ve had too much to drink…”

Sharon laughed: “See! Told you so. Now, let me take you back to your room. I don’t want to find you sleeping god knows where tomorrow morning.”

With much difficulty, because it turned out that Maria was incapable of walking without sitting down every once in a while, Sharon managed to drag her back to her room. There, she gave Maria some water to sober up and once she was sure the brunette would be just fine, she left. As she closed the bedroom door, she smiled at the sight of Maria safely in bed, tucked under the warmest blanket they could find.

As from this day, they spend most of their free and on duty time together. Sharon was fun to be around. She always had a goofy story to tell and Maria enjoyed the company. They knew the basic stuff about one another: Maria took her coffee black, Sharon was allergic to cats, Maria liked boxing and Sharon was an avid waffle eater. Their friendship was based on trust and mutual understanding. Sharon never asked about Maria’s PTSD and Maria never asked about Sharon’s scars on her back. Sharon was the closest thing Maria had to a friend on the Helicarrier, she was not about to fuck things up. Sharon made her feel safe and understood, that was a solid argument to preserve the bond their shared. Plus, it was always nice to have someone to bitch around with.

**

She woke up three hours later, a strangled cry escaping her lips and tears falling down her cheeks. Sharon was at her side within seconds. She looked concerned. Maria’s chest felt heavy, she had trouble breathing. She sat up, clutching the pillow next to her.

Sharon reached to touch Maria then stopped. Her hand mere inches away from Maria’s shoulder. She looked at Maria and said: “Do you want me to give you some space? I can go in the kitchen if you want. Make some more coffee.”

Maria wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. She shivered and shook her head no.

“Stay”, she choked out.

Sharon smiled at her, a gentle and reassuring smile, and let her hand finally settle on Maria’s shoulder. She rubbed it for a bit until Maria’s breathing was back to normal.

Maria’s eyes were closed. She pinched the bridge of nose and shook her head. But the vision would not go away. She could still taste the hot sand on her lips, feel the burning sun on the back of her neck. Red flashed before her eyes. She heard a loud noise in the distance. The sound of a bomb. Her free hand reached for behind her head and her fingers traced the nape of her neck. She brought her hand back in front of her and dared to open her eyes. Nothing. Not a single trace of blood. She exhaled heavily. 

_It’s just a nightmare, Maria._

_It’s okay._

It was not the first time Sharon was a witness to Maria's nightmares. But she had never dared to ask before. So when she talked, her voice was barely above a whisper. Timid.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Maria did not answer straight away. Her vision blurred out for a bit, tears rolling down her cheeks again. She rubbed her eyes.

_Big mistake._

Samuel’s face popped up in her head. Empty brown eyes staring at her. Blood on his face, covering his chin and left cheek. She let go of the cushion she was holding and pressed the heels of her hands hard against her eyes.

_Go away. Go away._

She swallowed back a sob and opened her eyes again, but she could not bring herself to look at Sharon.

“I never talk about my nightmares. To anyone.”

“We don’t have to talk about them if you don’t feel like it.”

“I wanna try. I trust you.”

She did not really know why she trusted Sharon so much. It was a bit of a gut feeling really, but she had learned as from a very young age that trusting your instincts was sometimes the best thing to do. So, Maria took a deep breath, slowly exhaled and let it all out.

“I… His name was Samuel. He was my best friend. Well more like a big brother actually…”

Sharon nodded in encouragement.

“It was our third tour. Third tour in Afghanistan. And…”, she took a deep breath again.

“And it was our last week there. We were driving back to the base. We had spent nearly a month in a village up North helping the people there. It was just the two of us in the jeep because the convoy we were supposed to take was already full. I wanted to wait for the next one, and so did Samuel, but our Commander needed us on the base the next day and it was not up for debate. We had a jeep and we were not carrying anything valuable – intel or goods. So, we decided it was better to set off early in the morning. We wanted to make it to the next village before the night. There was another convoy we could join there. And…”

She stopped. Ducked her head down, her tears landed on the bed’s sheets.

“Take your time, it’s okay.”

Sharon squeezed her arm lightly. The blonde’s hand on her arm was grounding. It was light, soft and not invasive at all. Just like Sharon had always been with her. That’s why she wanted to share Samuel’s story with the blonde. She knew Sharon would listen without interrupting.

“And, we were ambushed about three miles or so before the village where we were supposed to spend the night at. Well, not ambushed but bombed. Some rebels had placed bombs on the road. They thought we were at the head of a bigger convoy and set the explosives off. The explosion hit the right side of the car. Samuel’s side. I was the one driving. He was ejected from the car. Everything went black… I think I was out for a few minutes… When I regained a bit of consciousness I managed to get out of the jeep. When I got to him, he w- oh gosh...”

Maria let out a sob and instantly covered her mouth with her hand. She swallowed hard. Her hand was trembling. She forced herself to keep her eyes opened.

“When I finally got to him, he was on his back and was covered in blood… There was nothing I could do. By the time the medics from the village arrived he had lost too much blood. He… he died in my arms and I couldn’t do anything to save him. A bomb killed my best friend and I couldn’t do anything about it.”

She did not recognise her own voice as she spoke the last words.

“I think the worst part about it was the look in his eyes. He had beautiful brown eyes. They were so full of life, you know. They had this spark that made you wanna smile each time he looked at you. But at that moment, they were empty, so empty. Lifeless. I… He kept holding tight onto my hands. I will never forget how cold his were.”

_“It’s okay, Sam. Sam, eyes on me. It’s okay. I’m with you. The medics will be there soon. I managed to send a message on the radio. Stay with me, please. Don’t leave me, Sam.”_

_“Ma… Maria…_ _Maria… Don’t cr…ry… Mi…a, don’t cr…ry…”_

“He managed to talk. It was hard but he did it anyway.”

“What did he say to you?”, Maria could hear the sadness in Sharon’s voice.

“He told me not to cry. Then he smiled at me. Gosh, I miss his smile…”. She herself smiled as a faded image of Samuel’s beaming face popped up in her head.

_“Mia… Mia… Tell them I… I love the…m… Tell them I wasn’t a…lone…”_

_“Sam, please stay with me. You’re not gonna die, I promise. But please, stay with me…”_

_“Mia… Mia…”. He lifted his hand up to Maria’s face and cupped her cheek, brushing away her tears._

_“Mia… I’m sor…ry…”_

_“No, no, no, no. Stay with me!”_

_“Mia…”_

_Samuel’s hand fell. He was still smiling. She rested her forehead against his._

_“I love you, hermanita…”_

_“I love you too, Sami…”_

_He hummed. A happy hum. Just like to one he made when he was enjoying his food or having a nice time. Then everything around her fell silent._

“He was Spanish on his mother’s side. That's why he called me _'hermanita'_. His mother was from Barcelona and worked as an interpret in the US. His father was a teacher. Bio engineering. He taught me how to speak Spanish and I taught him how to speak Italian. My grandparents on my mother’s side were Italian.”

Sharon remained silent. She nodded and squeezed Maria’s arm again.

“We meet at West Point. His was older than me. Three years. We were in the same division and we were the bests.”

Her soft chuckle was followed by a long pause. Maria shifted a bit. She uncrossed her legs and got up. Sharon got up too.

“I think I'd like to take a shower. Do you mind?”

“No. Not at all. You go. Take your time, you still have two hours before your shift. I’ll make you coffee. Do you want something to eat?”

“I won’t say no to the coffee but don’t bother with the food. I’ll make us some eggs and bacon once I’m out of the shower.”

“Fair enough!”

_I hope we have painkiller somewhere. My head is killing me._

She headed to the bathroom door, opened it and as she was about to close it, she stopped and looked at Sharon who was now standing by the coffee table.

“Hey, Sharon?”

Sharon turned a bit to face her.

“Yes?”

“Thank you”, it was barely above a whisper.

Sharon gave her a reassuring smile.

“It’s okay.”

Maria smiled back and closed the door behind her.

Two days later, their mission was over. They managed to retrieve the secret documents before the woman was able to sell them to some rich gangster guy. They brought them both into custody without a hitch. Their handler gave them two days off and a _‘very good work agents’_. Maria never talked about Samuel again and Sharon never asked about him either.

**

One evening, after a long and rough mission, Maria asked her the question that had been haunting her since they had first met. They were waiting for one of the doctors in a unusually deserted med bay when the burning question escaped her lips.

“The scars on your back, how did it happen?”

Sharon did not answer right away. Her head was down, staring at something on the floor. When she spoke, she locked eyes with Maria and did not blink.

“My ex-boyfriend. He was… we used to fight a lot. Verbal fights. But that night, he grabbed his belt and whipped me with it… He wasn’t even drunk or high. I was just angry. Gosh, he was so angry. It scared the shit out of me.”

She paused. 

“I came in late. I was at a party with some friends and I came home late. I was a bit drunk and made too much noise. I woke him up and he snapped… I tried to fight him off, but he was stronger. I tried to scream but I couldn’t. It felt like I was paralysed... I can still hear the low grunts that escaped his mouth every time the belt landed on my back. He said I deserved it. He said I was a slut. I was wearing a backless dress. He said it was provocative, that I should have been more careful…”

Sharon looked away. She rubbed her forehead with her hand.

“When he was done, I grabbed my bag and left. He had never laid a hand on me before, but… I just… I had to leave. I knew he was going to kill me if I didn’t. I called my Dad and he took me to the hospital. The cuts were so deep... I couldn’t lie on my back for weeks. My aunt, Peggy, helped me with the restraining order and I filed a complaint. It took some time but eventually the police arrested him. I didn’t want my aunt to interfere after that though. I was afraid the judge might perceive it as some sort of abuse of power since she was still at the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. back then. He did some time. Three years. I was lucky. Some women never get justice... Some women die before the police even dares to intervene. I’ve never heard of him since.”

Sharon’s eyes froze, her mind taking her back to that night.

“Oh…”, Maria felt guilty.

_You’re such an asshole. You shouldn’t have asked her like this._

“I’m sorry, Sharon. I didn’t mean to be so intrusive.”

Sharon snapped out of her trance.

“No, it’s okay. I was going to tell you anyway.”

Maria eyed her with concern.

“Really it’s fine, don’t worry Maria.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes”, she smiled. “You’re my friend. I trust you.”

Maria got up from her seat and gave Sharon a hug. A real hug. At least she tried. Maria was never good at giving hugs, but she knew Sharon needed it.

That day, their bond came full circle: Maria trusted Sharon and Sharon trusted Maria.

*

Maria smiled at Sharon. “May told me what happened over the phone. She said something about Romanov carrying you.”

Maria felt her stomach flip at the mention of Romanov’s name.

_Oh, come on. Maria what is wrong with you._

“I had already passed out when it happened but apparently, she stopped the bleeding god knows how – I’m sure she used some super spy trick – and carried me back to the Quinjet _on her own_!”

Sharon stressed the last three words and open her eyes wide. Maria laughed.

“Can you imagine _the_ Black Widow carrying me around on _one_ shoulder. I mean, she’s not that tall and you know how heavy I can be when I’m passed out.”

Maria chuckled.

“Oh yes! I remember that time I had to piggyback you to the base because, and I quote, _‘I am immune to beer. I do not get drunk because of beer. Let me show you!’_

Sharon punched her lightly in the arm.

“Shut up. You are an awful friend.”

Maria laughed at the comment. “No, I’m not. Now get some rest, you look like shit Sharon.”

“See! You _are_ an awful friend!”

Maria smiled. Sharon was okay. She would have to spend a few days in bed and do some desk work for a week or two after that, but she was going to be fine.

“It’s getting late. I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Please, sneak me in some of those donuts from the cafeteria. The ones with the chocolate sprinkles. ”

“You are impossible”, she pulled the chair back to its initial place and headed for the door.

“See you tomorrow, _with_ _the_ _donuts_!”

Maria laughed again.

“You’re pain but I'll try because I'm a _good_ friend. Now, get some sleep.”

Maria opened the door and stepped out, closing it gently behind her. She waved at Sharon from the other side of the plexiglas window and was about to head to her quarters when she noticed Barton and Romanov standing a few feet away from her on the other side of the corridor. 

_What are they doing in the med bay?_

They seemed to be in a rather agitated conversation. Maria could not quite make out what they were talking about but she managed to catch a _‘I swear to god if you ever come up with a remark like this again, I’ll snap your neck before you can even cry your mother’s name!’_

It was Romanov talking. Maria was taken aback by the aggressiveness in her tone. Barton sheepish look immediately turned into a look of surprise when he noticed that Maria was staring at them. He nudged Natasha in the ribs.

“Barton, what is wrong with y-”, she stopped mid-sentence as soon as her eyes fell on Maria.

She snapped out of her anger and shot a bright and wide smile to Maria.

“Agent Hill! How good to see you!”

_How odd. Her sudden enthusiasm sounds terribly fake._

_“_ Agent Romanov. Agent Barton.”

The small smile she still had from her conversation with Sharon quickly disappeared and was instantly replaced by what she secretly called her _'My-name-is-Agent-Hill-don't-fuck-with-me'_ resting face.

Barton muttered something like ‘ _I better go’_ and left in a hurry. If Maria found his reaction amusing, she did not let it show. Romanov pushed herself off the wall she was standing against and walked towards Maria then stopped less than a foot away from her.

_Resting face, Maria. Don't flinch. Don't look away._

Romanov's voice was husky when she talked, slightly seductive: “How is Agent Carter doing? I heard that she was out of surgery.”

_Maria, focus._

But Maria was doing a very bad job at focusing. Romanov's eyes had caught her attention again, not in the way she particularly wanted them to. She cleared her throat in an attempt to concentrate on Romanov’s question rather than on Romanov herself.

“She’s fine, a bit tired but fine.”

“That’s good news!”

Romanov smiled and Maria’s heart skipped a beat, but she managed to keep her composure. 

_Oh, look at her smile. The way her lips move. And the head tilt. Oh, my!_

“The doctors said she made it out alive thanks to your quick thinking. I will never thank you enough, Agent Romanov.”

Her voice was steady, clinical one might say. She was maintained eye contact.

_That's good, Maria._

“Oh, there’s nothing to thank me for. I was just doing my job.”

She smiled at Maria and took a step closer. A faint perfume of apple shampoo mixed with the smell of gunpowder filled in the air around them.

_I wonder what she smells like when she’s not wearing that suit of hers. Does she still smell of gun powder?_

She blushed a little at the thought, but she did not look away nor flinch. Her eyes bored into Romanov’s, and _'oh boy'_ they were beautiful. Bright green eyes with shades of blue looking straight into Maria’s.

_They are prettier than what I remembered._

There was something intense about those eyes. But Maria could not quite put her finger on it.

_I bet most people are destabilised, scared even, when she looks at them like that._

She did not want to look away. She was not scared. She went back to studying Romanov’s eyes.

_Anger?_

_No. It’s more than that._

_Sadness?_

_Yes, but there’s something else. Look closer._

Maria took a step forward. Romanov stayed still. Maria knew she should not be this close. She had not right to invade Romanov’s personal space like that.

_But her eyes. There’s something about them._

_Mesmerising_ _._

She did not really hear herself say the words, and when she finally registered them it was too late.

“Can I hug you?”

Really it was unexpected. For both of them. But it was too late now. Maria was not about to break in front of Romanov.

_What is wrong with me. I never hug._

_Resting face, Maria. Do not flinch._

Something in Romanov’s eyes shifted, as if a spark had lightened up somewhere in her iris.

_Is she laughing?_

“May I know why?”, she said with a husky and teasing voice.

_Do not look away, Maria._

_Gosh, that voice._

“Because you saved my agent.”

_Well, more of a friend really. My best friend. But I won't say that._

“And what is the hug for?”

“A thank you gift?”

Romanov laughed. Maria smiled at the sound of Romanov soft chuckle.

“Is that a question? Because you don’t seem so sure of yourself.”

“Oh, but I am.”

_I will not let you win this staring contest, Romanov._

Without a second thought, Maria closed the gap between them and pressed her body against Romanov’s. She gently slid her arms around the redhead’s torso and settled her head on her shoulder. One of her hands gently brushed a strand of Romanov’s lose braid to the side as she settled them between Romanov’s shoulder blades.

Natasha's whole body stiffened for a slip second before relaxing completely . She slowly wrapped her own arms around Hill's body. One just above her hip and the other one under her arm. She could not resist the urge to scratch Hill's lower back. Natasha could fell Hill smile without looking at her. She settled her head on Hill’s shoulder, just like Hill had done on hers. She pressed her ears against the brunette's and tightened her grip around her waist. It sent shivers through both their bodies.

_Maria Hill smells of lavender and fresh laundry. I was not expecting that._

She smiled. Hill was now rubbing small circles with her thumb right on a rather painful knot in Natasha’s back. Even through the thick fabric of her combat suit, Natasha could feel the light but steady pressure. She bit back a moan and let herself relax to the sound of Hill breathing. Her eyes fluttered shut.

_This is nice._

_Wait._

_This **is** nice._

_What’s happening._

_Why am I liking this?_

_I shouldn’t be liking this._

_Her body’s so warm. So warm. If I could just touch her skin. I bet it’s soft._

_And her eyes. Have you seen her eyes!_

_Oh, and that smile._

_Wait._

_Why am I feeling all fuzzy?_

_What’s happening?_

Romanov’s body tensed again. She let go of Maria’s waist and gently pushed her away. Maria was startled by how sudden the change in Romanov’s body language was.

_She seemed to be fine with it though._

_Maybe I overstepped. Maybe it was too much._

_Fuck._

“I’m… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have. Maybe the hug was too much”, Maria spoke quickly. The look of confusion in Romanov’s eyes was concerning.

Natasha blinked twice and quickly regained a neutral face. She smiled at Hill. A fake smile, Maria could tell.

“I better go. Barton’s waiting for me, we haven’t debriefed with Fury yet. Goodbye, Agent Hill.”

Maria did not have the time to answer. Romanov was already gone when she finally tried to speak. She opened her mouth. She closed it. Opened it. Then closed it again.

_What the hell just happened?_

_Did I really hug Natasha Romanov?_

She slapped her hand flat against her forehead then rubbed her left eye with the heel of her hand.

_And I enjoyed it._

_What is wrong with me._

*

“You what now?”

Clint could not believe his ears. They were sitting on one of the couches in the cafeteria. It was late. No one was there except for them. Natasha was sitting with her legs crossed. She would not stop fidgeting with on of her black elastic bands. Clint was on the other side of the couch, his feet popped up on the coffee table in front of him. He was eating his _'bedtime snack'_ , peanut butter and strawberry she think it was. She was not paying him much attention to it to be honest. The elastic band snapped between her fingers. She pulled at it again, harder this time.

_Berk. I look like a love sick teenager. I don't like this._

“On come on Clint. Now you're being a pain.”

She glared at him, snapped the elastic band again and repeated what she had just told him.

“I hugged Maria Hill.”

“You hugged Maria Hill.”

“That’s exactly what I said.”

“You hugged Maria _'Stone Cold'_ Hill!”

It was the nickname some agents on the Helicarrier had given the brunette. Rumour had it that Maria Hill was in fact a robot. Her dark hair were always pulled back into a tight and perfect bun. She never smiled. Never laughed. Never showed any emotions. She was a cold and calculating woman, driven by her work and her work only.

But Natasha thought otherwise. People were wrong. Maria Hill was not cold. Not with everyone at least. She had seen the way Maria Hill behaved with her team. Natasha had noticed how a quick smile would spread on Hill's face each time Agent May gave her a thumbs up. Natasha had noticed the slight twitch in Maria's eyes when she thanked Natasha for saving _'her agent'._

_Her agent, my ass. Carter is more than a simple agent to her. The way they looked at each other in that room. It's undeniable._

Maria Hill was not a robot. She was professional. She was good at her job. She was better than most of the agents on board and some of them simply could not stand it.

"Don't call her like that."

Clint talked with his mouth full: "Don't call her like what?"

"Stone cold. I don't think it's fair."

Her last words made her blush. She looked down to try and hide it but Clint noticed it.

_Of course he noticed it._

“Oh. my. god. Are you blushing? You like her!”

Clint threw his arms into the air and started laughing. Small breadcrumbs fell on his lamp.

“Noo!”

She snapped her head up. She tried to keep her composure but her tone said it all: Natasha Romanov liked Maria Hill.

“Don’t bullshit me, Romanov”, he laughed again. He feet were no longer of the coffee table. He swallowed the last of his snack and smiled. 

“This is unexpected. But I get it. She’s pretty and smart.”

“And nice”, Natasha added.

“Tell me more”, Clint leaned towards her. He was smirking now.

_He’s enjoying this._

“I swear, if you don’t stop, I’ll wipe that wicked smile of yours off your face myself.”

She tried hit him in the shoulder and tried to sound as menacing as possible but she knew she was doing a very bad job at it.

“No, you won’t. Now, tell me more.”

_I’m going to kill him._

“It’s just… It’s… It’s the way she looks at me. It’s different. She… she’s not scared. And she really looks at me, you know. Not just at what’s outside. When our eyes meet, it’s like she’s staring right into my soul.”

_Gosh this is so cheesy._

She paused.

“And it’s unsettling... I’ve never had someone look at me like this before... The way she makes me feel... It's new...”

Clint’s smile was still there, no longer a smirk though. More of a small smile like the one you give someone when they say something that brings you back to a happy memory.

His voice was soft. Caring.

“How does she make you feel?”

Natasha looked at him. He noticed a flash of vulnerability in her eyes. He had never seen her like this before.

“She makes me feel wanted, desired. Not for what I represent but for who I truly am. For the real me.”

Her last words knocked his breath away. He had never thought about it before. About how people tented to objectify women. About how some people on Helicarrier tended to objectify Natasha. Men and women, they were all guilty. Men would see Natasha as a trophy and women as a threat. 

“And you know, with all that stuff going around about how some guys have placed a bet on how long it would take for me to say ‘yes’ to a date, or even sex, I'm confused. No one has looked at me like this before and it scares me…"

She could hear the concern in Clint’s voice when he talked: “Why? What are you scared of?”

“I'm scared of my emotions. If what I feel is what I think it is then something is wrong. I can’t feel what I'm feeling for her right now, Clint. I can't be real”

“Why?”

“I was not trained to feel like this. I was not trained to be weak. Feelings are a weakness, Clint."

_‘love is for children, Natalia'._

"Feelings are for children. I’m not a child anymore. I never was in the first place."

That being said, she got up from the couch and left without another word leaving Clint astound and speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Maria and Sharon's friendship was really nice to do. I did not want Maria to be all on her own. She needs someone she can trust and rely on when needed. Sharon felt like the right person for that. 
> 
> As for Natasha, I was thinking about building chapter 3 around her POV. I think she has some interesting thoughts to share with you guys.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this second chapter. Feel free to comment on anything. I'll try to post chapter 3 ASAP. 
> 
> See you around!


	3. What's your deal?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter actually took me longer to write than expected and is - for now - the longest thing I have ever wrote in my entire life. I hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> For those of you who will get the small HIMYM reference, ily. For those who won't, I recommend you watch the show. It's great + Cobie Smulders' in it.

**_December 18 th._ **

“Are you listening?”

She looked up from the file she was reading and frowned. “Yes, Clint. I’m listening.” She was sitting on his bed, her legs stretched out in front of her. She was going through a file, but she had trouble concentrating. Her eyes went back to the small paragraph she had already read five times by now.

_‘Agent Sharon Carter, Level 7 Security Clearance, age 26. Shot by a Hydra sniper while protecting suspect. Bullet wound to the liver. Considerable blood loss. Surgery was a success. Good recovery is expected.’_

“What was I saying then?”

“Geez, Clint. You’re such a child”, she closed the file and threw it to the other side of the bed.

“You were talking about the Hydra guy we brought in three weeks ago.” She gestured to the file.

“His name is Alexei Zakharova, age 32. S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t have much on him. His age, his name that’s pretty much it. No records of a family, a few credit card and telephone bills but nothing interesting. According to the files we already have on Hydra, he’s been with the organisation for about ten years now. The fact that Hydra wanted him dead suggests that he is high rank. Maybe in charge of a division or a secret project. He won’t talk. Agent Wright tried all the interrogation techniques in the book, but the guy is tight as a clam. He wants to resort to torture and Fury is against it.”

She smirked as she kicked aside the blanket that was on her legs. “I’m always listening, Barton. Even when it looks like I’m not, I am.”

Clint scratched the back of his neck and laughed: “Okay, my bad. You were listening.”

They were off duty for the weekend. Fury had agreed to let Natasha leave the Helicarrier on the one condition that she stayed with Barton the whole time. When Fury had voiced the deal, Natasha had pretended to be unhappy about it. But truth be told, she was thrilled. It was her first off duty period off the Helicarrier, and it felt nice to be outside with Clint.

Clint had a small flat in an old building not far from Brooklyn Bridge. The place was nice. Nicer than the room Natasha had on the Helicarrier. Clint had insisted that she slept in the bed.

_“I’ll sleep on the couch, take the bed Nat.”_

She would have been just fine on the couch, but she did not have the heart to argue with Clint about something so futile. She had other things on her mind. Maria Hill for instance.

_“If you insist.”_

So, here she was, sitting on Clint’s bed. She reached out for her coffee mug on the nightstand and drank the rest of it in one go. She was exhausted. She had had a lot of nightmares lately. She rubbed her eyes and got up from the bed.

“Wants some more coffee?” she gestured to Clint’s empty mug on the window ledge. Clint had just come out of the shower, dressed thank God for that – Natasha had no desire to see Clint naked – and was complaining about how badly Wright was handling Alexei Zakharova’s interrogation.

“Nah, I’m fine thanks.”

She made her way to the kitchen and poured the last of the coffee in her mug. She took a sip of it. It was not as hot as what she would have liked it to be, but it was hot enough for her to drink it without spitting it out. She hated cold coffee. She took another sip and scratched her calf with her foot. She pressed her palm against the cold kitchen counter and closed her eyes. She was so tired.

Suddenly, bits and pieces of snow covered in blood flashed before her closed eyes. The temperature in Clint’s flat instantly dropped. She shivered. She snapped her eyes open and shook her head hard, but the vision of a blond woman lying dead on the sunny snow would not go away.

“Fuck”, she muttered.

She tried, in vain, to take a hold of the kitchen counter. She tightened her grip around her mug until her nails were digging hard into her palm and her knuckles had turned white. Pain was always a good way to draw oneself back to reality. At least that’s what she had always been told. Her head was spinning. The vision would not go away. She slowly let go of her mug when she heard Clint’s voice coming from the other side of the flat.

“Nat! I know this great place in Manhattan that does those super delicious bagels and burgers. And they do a _mean_ apple pie. What do you think? Would you like to go there for lunch? We can go sightseeing a bit after that if you want. I know this nice park where we can go.”

She smiled. A weak smile but a smile, nonetheless. Clint was so excited at the idea of showing her around. She found it quite endearing. She had already been to New York, back when she still worked for the Red Room, but she had never actually visited the city. When she had asked if she could visit Time Square, Madam had laughed and slapped her in the face. She was here to kill, and to kill only.

She shook her head again and set her mug in the kitchen sink, then made her way back to the bedroom when her stomach made a loud gargling noise. She could use a good meal, neither she or Clint were good at cooking and the burned pasta from the previous night were a good example of it.

“Get out of here so I can get changed and we’re off.”

“Great! I’m starving.”

Once Clint was out of the bedroom and the door was closed, she grabbed a clean T-shirt, a thick turtleneck jumper and a pair of denim jeans. Natasha did not mind the winter cold. She had been raised in Russia. Wind, cold, snow. It was part of who she was. But she still liked to have something comfortable on. Something that made her feel safe. One could argue that it was childish, but Natasha did not care. She liked thick jumpers. They made things softer, warmer, and Natasha needed soft and warm in her life.

She took her pyjamas off while purposely avoiding the mirror in front of her. It was not that she did not like her body. She liked it. A harmonious combination of muscles and curves, of soft and rough. No, her body was not the problem. Her scars were. Most of them had been caused by the Red Room. They were a painful remainder of the past and Natasha was done with the past. That’s why she always avoided her naked body in the mirror.

Once she was dressed, she tied her long red hair up into a neat ponytail. Her hair was long, a little more than shoulder length. She liked it that way. Long and messy waves of red hair. She tucked a few strands of loose hair behind her ears and made sure the small braids she liked to have in the ponytail were still intact. She smiled at her own reflection in the mirror.

_I look pretty._

Clint was already waiting by the flat’s front door when she finally emerged from the bedroom. She grabbed her leather jacket that was hanging on the coat rack and put her combat boots on. Clint smiled at her, seemingly excited at the idea of taking Natasha to one his favourite places.

“Ready to go?”

“Ready to go.”

She gave him a thumbs up and a big smile. She liked spending time with Clint. He was very funny and could be quite socially awkward sometimes. It made her laugh. However, what she liked about Clint the most was that he never overstepped. He gave her space when she asked for it and was always there when she needed someone support. He always looked out for her without her even asking. It felt nice to know someone cared about you like he did.

One time, Fury had asked her how she and Clint were getting along. She wanted to say it. She really wanted to say the words _‘Clint is the closest thing I have to a friend thanks to S.H.I.E.L.D.’_ but the ones that came out instead were _‘We are partners, not friends if that was your question. We get on well and I owe him a debt. That’s all.’_

_Because love is for children, Sir._

She had kept that last part to herself. And Fury had nodded, seemingly not surprised at all by her answer.

Clint was the one who had given her a second chance at life, and for that she would forever be grateful. She was too proud to admit it in front of him, but she considered Clint as a friend. A best friend even. But never in a million years would she tell him. It was simply too much for her. Maybe someday.

Natasha liked to believe Clint did not need to hear the words to know she cared about him too. The guy was sometimes socially awkward but not stupid. The fact that she had agreed to stay with him for the weekend said a lot.

“So, you said something about a _mean_ apple pie? Tell me more.”

Clint locked the door while she was calling for the lift. He started talking with great enthusiasm and it made Natasha laugh.

“Sweet Natasha, you have _no_ idea! It’s so so so so good. I would eat a whole pie if I could. You’re going to love it, I swear.”

And Clint was right. She absolutely loved the pie. And her burger. And the park Clint took her to afterwards. And all the other places they visited after that.

*

**_December 18 th._ **

“I can tell something is bothering you.”

Sharon punched the bag twice.

“Nothing’s bothering me, Sharon. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t lie to me. Does it have something to do with the new recruits?”

_Yes, this and Romanov. She’s been avoiding me._

“Yeah… Most of them are easy to be around. They listen and learn fast, but there’s this one guy called Erikson. He’s an arrogant little prick. He thinks I’m not good enough because I’m a woman. He makes me so angry. I wish I could snap his head off sometimes.”

“That blond dude with the tattoo on the arm?”

Maria nodded.

“I saw him the other day. A smackhead. He looks like a lousy version of Captain America”, Sharon scoffed.

She threw another couple of punches into the bag. Maria was standing in front of her, holding the bag still for Sharon. She had volunteered to help the blonde get back in shape before going back on the field. They fell silent for a bit, Sharon’s occasional grunts and the low thuds of her gloves against the bag were the only sounds that could be heard.

Sharon talked again but Maria did not hear her straight away. She was lost in her thoughts.

“Maria, I’m talking to you.”

She snapped out of her daydreaming and focused on the blonde’s voice. “Yes, sorry. What were you saying?”

“I was asking you if you had any plans for Christmas and New Year’s Eve.”

The punching had stopped. Sharon was having trouble taking her gloves off.

“Let me help you with these”, Maria took one of the gloves in her hands and undid the straps. She pulled it off and then did the same for the other one.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome”, she dropped the gloves on the floor and handed Sharon a clean towel.

“I’m going back to Chicago for Christmas. My mum asked me to come home, she said it would be nice to celebrate Christmas all together. I think she’s still pissed at me for missing Thanksgiving. My brother would be there with his wife and my sister will be there too. I think she’s coming with her long-time boyfriend, Jack. I think I mentioned him once already. He’s a keeper!”

“Yeah, I remember. He came with Sara when she was in New York for her seminar back in May.”

“That’s right”, Maria scratched her forehead and briefly closed her eyes. “I was also thinking of maybe dropping by Linda’s house, Sam’s mother, to say hello. It’s been a while since we last saw each other...”

The sadness in her eyes when she mentioned Samuel’s name did not went unnoticed, but Sharon did not comment on it.

“What about you? I bet your Aunt has organised some crazy Christmas party like she always does.”

Maria’s tone changed and she smiled. She was always very good at changing the subject when the conversation made her feel uncomfortable. Sharon matched Maria’s cheerful tone when she answered.

“Yeah, Peggy _loves_ family gatherings. It’s going to be wild. Last time I saw my little cousin, he told me he had this amazing plan to hide fireworks in the garden and so we could light them up at midnight. If he really goes for it, I’m not sure Peggy will particularly be thrilled.”

They laughed together. Sharon threw the towel over her shoulder and headed to her locker. Maria followed, taking small sips of water from her flask. She opened her locker and reached for a clean change of clothes and a piece of hard soap. Lavender. Her favourite.

Sharon slammed her locker shut and headed to the individual showers. “What about New Year’s Eve?” she asked.

Maria followed and went for the shower at the far end. The pressure was better in this one, it would be just perfect to ease of bit of the growing tension in her shoulders. Once she was inside the cubicle, she closed the door behind her and turned the hot water on. Sharon went for the shower next to hers so they could talk. Maria had to rise her voice a bit when she answered, to make sure Sharon could hear her over the noise made by the shower.

“I don’t really know yet. I’m definitely not staying at my parents’ house and I don’t think I’ll stay in Chicago either. I think I might stay in New York and spend the evening on the Helicarrier. I have some paperwork to finish and I know where Phil hides his scotch. I might steal him a bottle. He owes me one after I saved his ass the other day”, she smirked.

“What about you?”

“Do you see who Dr Keagan is? She’s in charge of the med bay.”

“Yeah, Katie. What about her?”

“Well, she’s organising a party on the Helicarrier. Fury said yes. She wanted to do something for all the agents that couldn’t go home or were alone. I’m going with Bobbi and Simmons from labs. I think it’ll be nice. Do you wanna come with us?”

“Ahhh, you know how I feel about those things. Plus, it’s not like people around here like me. I’ll do just fine with my bottle of scotch, but thanks for offering.”

Sharon’s shower stopped. “You know, not all of them dislike you. And the ones who do, are just a bunch of idiots. It’s because they’re jealous. You’re better at your job than most of them are, and they can’t stand it. You should come, show them how funny and nice you are. Plus, I think you could use the distraction. You don’t really seem like yourself lately…”

“I don’t know, Sharon. I’m sure I’ll panic and make it worse. Sometimes it’s just better to stay out of it.” Maria knew Sharon had a point. She needed a distraction. This past month had been particularly exhausting, and she needed something to take the edge off her stress.

“You know what, think about it and let me know okay? You still have time you change your mind.”

“Yeah, I’ll think about it.”

“You promise?”

Maria turned the water off and dried herself off with her towel. “Yeah, I promise.”

“Don’t lie to me, Hill. Otherwise I will make you pinkie swear!”

They laughed. Maria quickly got dressed and headed back to her locker. Sharon was already waiting for her by the gym’s door.

“Hurry up, lazy-ass. I’m starving and May brought us some apple pie for breakfast from that place in Manhattan. Hurry up before Coulson eats everything.”

“I’m coming. I’m coming. You know I love this apple pie as much as you do.” Maria jogged to Sharon and they left the gym.

“So, am I fit enough to go back on the field? Please say yes. I hate the desk job!”

Sharon was making a rather cute pouting face. Maria grinned. Phil, Melinda and Bobbi were waiting for them in one of the briefing rooms. Maria wanted to wait until both she and Sharon were with the rest of the team to tell them the doctors had agreed to let Sharon back on the team, but her friend’s face got her.

“Pretend like I never told you once we are in the room, okay? Fury will be there too and he’s the one who’s supposed to tell you, not me.”

“Is it a yes?”

“Yes, it’s a yes.”

“Yeahhh! At last!” Sharon cried, holding her fist up in the air as a victory sign.

“Gosh, you’re such a child!”

“Yeah, I know. But I’m still your best friend.”

Then Sharon suddenly stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face Maria with a smirk on her face. "So, you know _Katie_ , uh?"

"Oh, shut up. It's not what you think. I’ve never slept with her. On top of that, I’m pretty sure she’s straight." Maria, who had also stopped, started moving again. Sharon was following her closely.

"Who cares about straight, she’s cute. _Katie_ ’s cute. _Katie_ ’s just your type.”

_She’s not my type. I don’t even have a type. She’s Venetian blonde not redhead. That’s not the same. I prefer redheads._

_Well… okay maybe I have a type. Maybe I have a very very very little preference for redheads. Only maybe._

“Are you really sure nothing happened between _Katie_ and you?"

"I tend to remember the women I sleep with, Sharon."

"Who says they remember you?” Sharon smirked. Maria pretended to be offended by the blonde’s remark.

"Thanks a lot. Now, hurry up. I'm hungry."

The team was already there when they finally reached the briefing room. Fury was not arrived yet.

“Before you say anything girls, May saved you both some apple pie. Don’t worry, I did not eat everything this time. Now, eat it quickly before Fury arrives. You know he hates it when we eat during briefings”, said Phil.

Sharon gave May a small hug, whispered a ‘thank you’ and took a piece of pie from the box Coulson was handing her. Maria did the same once she was sitting and took a small bite of the dessert. Sharon was already halfway through hers when she talked.

“Oh my gosh, this is soooooooo good!”

“Oh, come on Sharon! Don’t talk with your mouth full like this. You look like a chipmunk.”

They all laughed at Bobbi’s remark. Maria went back to eating her apple pie and gave May a warm smile. “Thanks, May. This is exactly what I needed.”

May winked at her and smiled back. Maria finished her slice of apple pie just as Fury made his entrance.

New recruits had come in last week and Fury had assigned Maria and her team to take them in charge. If the task sounded like fun at first, Maria had quickly realised that things were going to be harder than expected. Training new recruits was difficult. They were either scared of her or so full of themselves it made her want to punch them in the face.

But Maria had a reputation to live up to. She was Maria _‘Stone Cold’_ Hill after all, and she was not about to let some new recruits play around with her. She was where she stood now because she had never let anybody make a fool of her. Being a woman in the army was hard, being one when you worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. was harder. Fury knew it and made sure things changed for the better, but it was not an easy task to accomplish. This was the sort of thing that took time.

So, even though she knew some of the new recruits would probably have a go at her because she was a woman, she had promised herself she would stay calm until their training was completed. December was not going to be an easy month, but Maria knew she could count on her team. They had her back, like always.

*

They were heading back to the flat after having spent most of their day outside, _‘sightseeing’_ as Clint liked to call it, when the question was casually asked.

“So, about Maria…”

Natasha snorted.

_Of course. I should have seen this coming._

“What about Agent _Hill_?” she made sure to put an extra emphasis on the brunette’s last name. She was not going to refer to Maria using her first name in front of Clint. It was way too intimate, and it made her uncomfortable.

“Well, you know we talked about her a while back. And… How is it going between the both of you?” Clint scratched the back of his neck. Natasha had picked up on this habit of his. Whenever Clint was embarrassed or afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, he scratched the back of his neck.

“I’ve been avoiding her.”

They were both taken aback by her sudden spur of honesty. He frowned and looked away thoughtful, then looked at her again.

“I get it.”

Natasha tilted her head out of confusion. She was expecting something else. 

“I get it”, he said again with more strength in his voice. “I would have done the same. I mean… You told me that you couldn’t feel what you felt for her because it made you weak and – please don’t hit me, I know you don’t like it when I say it – because you were scared.”

“I should have never told you about it in the first place, I knew it.”

_Why does he always have to be aim spot on?_

“But you did, because I’m your friend and you trust me”, he smirked, and she smiled back at him.

_He knows._

“Feelings are for children… _bla bla bla…_ and you’re not a child anymore. I get it. So, what do you do? You avoid Maria and… Ta-dam! Problem solved!”

“Clint, I am truly blown away by your intelligence!”, she scoffed.

“Ha ha. Funny, Romanov. But now, I have a question for you. Does avoiding Maria make you happy?”

_Of course not. What you do think?_

She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. The menacing glare she gave Clint made him flinch a little but not enough to shut him up.

“Think about it, Nat. If what you feel for Maria is what you think it is then fine, you deal with it your own way. You’re a grown-up. But is it worth it, uh? I’ve seen the way you look at her every time we’re in a room with her. She intrigues you and I bet you’re dying to get to know her. If she truly looks at you the way you say she looks at you, then I strongly doubt that she will try to hurt you. I think that she likes you. Like, actually likes you.”

Natasha wanted to glare harder. She wanted to shout and curse, but when she opened her mouth, nothing came out. Her glare turned into a frown and she looked away. Clint’s words had awoken something in her. A warm feeling spread through her body, from head to toes and it even made her nose itchy. Was she feeling hope? Hope that maybe Hill liked her back?

_This is absurd._

“But what about Sharon Carter! You’ve seen the way they look at one another. You were there with me in that corridor when we saw them.”

_“Are these two together?”_

_“Good question. I know that they joined S.H.I.E.L.D. at the same time and that they’ve been on the same team for years, but I don’t think they’re together.”_

_“What makes you think that?”_

_“Oh well that’s simple. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s fraternisation policy forbids relationships between two members of the same team, and I don’t think that Hill would risk her ass like that when she’s one of Fury bests agents. I think they’re just friends, Nat. It exists you know.”_

_“I’m not stupid, thank you. I know what a friendship is.”_

_He snorted._

_“What? Something funny?”_

_He waved the aggressive question away._

_“Why are you asking? About Carter and Hill, I mean?”_

_“Am I not allowed to ask?”_

_“Yes, you are”, he smirked. “Are you asking because you like her? Agent Hill?”_

_“I swear to god if you ever come up with a remark like this again, I’ll snap your neck before you can even cry your mother’s name!”_

_That’s when Clint noticed Maria was now in the corridor._

_“Nat, she’s staring at us”, he whispered._

_“Nat!”, he hissed and nudged Natasha in the ribs._

_“Barton, what is wrong with y-”, she stopped mid-sentence as soon as her eyes fell on Maria._

_“Fuck”, she muttered._

“Remember what I told you? About these two being friends? Well, I investigated a bit. Don’t look at me like this, I was discreet. I went to see May and pretended I was interested in asking Sharon out on a date. She said nothing about her being with Maria, and May knows absolutely everything that goes on, on the Helicarrier. They’re just friends, Nat. Best friends, that’s all.”

Natasha punched him lightly in the arm and had a shy smile on her face. “You did that for me. You really did that for me.”

“I did. You want to know why? You have a second chance at life, Nat. Don’t waste it. Take a leap of faith. Get to know her and see what happens. And if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be there to catch you.” He gently placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it.

“Feelings don’t make you weak, Nat. They make you human. They make you stronger. Sometimes, our feelings get us hurt it’s true. But come on, what is the purpose of life if you don’t feel. Feelings make us do great things. Sticking my neck out for you, for instance.”

He grinned. Clint’s words were touching. As if an arrow full of love and kindness had hit her right in the centre of her heart. She had never felt so cared about. It was overwhelming. And so was the desire to run away from all of this kindness. But she fought the urge to flee and instead came up with a snappy remark. It was her way of compensating. She knew Clint knew.

“I didn’t know I had agreed to an emotional support partner when I signed Fury’s damn contract. You should definitely become a shrink if you ever get bored of bows and arrows.”

“Yeah, whatever.” He nudged her in the ribs and smiled. “Think about it, okay? I want to hear you say _‘yes’_ , Nat.”

She sighed dramatically. “ _Yes_ , Clinton Barton. I will think about it.”

“Good. Very good. Now, I have one last place I want to take you to.”

“And where is that?”

“I’m taking you on my building’s roof, where a beautiful view and fresh beers will be waiting for us. What do you say about that?”

“I say, I like the sound of it. We should hurry back to your flat!”

“I agree.”

Clint hailed a cab and fifteen minutes later they were happily enjoying their beers on Clint’s roof.

Natasha looked up to the sky. Stars were starting to shine where the sun had already disappeared. A thin orange and red line persisted in the distance. She looked at it until it was gone. The view was indeed beautiful. From where she was standing, Natasha could see Manhattan’s skyscrapers slowly lighting up. The lights were everywhere. In the sky, on the buildings, in her eyes. She had been to many beautiful places, but this one was special. Today, and for what was maybe the first time in her life, Natasha had been free. No Red Room, no Helicarrier, no S.H.I.E.L.D., no mission. Just her, Clint and a couple of apple pie slices and beers.

“Today was a nice day. Thank you, Clint.”

They were both standing right at the edge of the roof, admiring the view. They exchanged a look. Natasha was beaming with joy. Clint looked happy too.

“My pleasure, Nat.” he winked at her as they clinked their bottles.

“To your first time visiting New York.”

“To my first time visiting New York.”

*

**_December 19 th._ **

“Hey, Nat. I wanted to ask, do you have any plans for Christmas and New Year’s Eve?”

They were prepping for a routine mission somewhere in Louisiana. A data retrieval mission in one of Hydra minor facilities.

“Do I look like someone that was brought up believing in Father Christmas?” she scoffed. Clint pretended to be offended.

“Just answer the damn question, will you?”

“No, I don’t have any plans. Why?”

She secured her Widow-bites and made sure her guns were all loaded. Clint stopped what he was doing and looked at her, apprehension visible in his eyes.

_What is he going to come up with now?_

“I thought that maybe we could spend both evenings together. Only if you want to, of course. I know this place in China Town we can go to on Christmas Eve, if you’re not a great fan of Christmas trees and fat dudes dressed in red.”

She crossed her arms and took a good look at him.

_Should I say yes? What am I going to do anyway? Sit on my bed all on my own, drowning my solitude in scotch? Did it already, not that fun._

_I should say yes. I’ll say yes._

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll come with you. It can be nice. Plus, I’ve been craving Chinese food for ages.”

“Great!”

Clint grabbed his bow and hesitated a bit before talking again. “And for New Year’s Eve? I guess you don’t have plans either.”

“Nope”, she purposely popped the ‘p’ harder.

“Good, because Dr Keagan, she’s in charge of the med bay, is organising a party on the Helicarrier. I was thinking of going. Would you like to come with me?”

“Who will be there?”

“Oh, I guess all the agents that couldn’t make it home in time and the ones that had nothing planned. I’d say at least a hundred people… And there’s a dress code.”

“A big party then. I’ll come. It’s not like I have anywhere else to go… I guess I have plans for Christmas and New Year’s Eve thanks to you!”

Clint smiled and gave his hand out for a high five. Natasha faked a look of annoyance but eventually gave in. “We’re going to have such much, Nat. It’s going to be legen-dary!”

“Don’t you think you’re exaggerating a bit?” she scoffed.

Clint smirked and started to make his way to the Quinjet they would be flying. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now, come on Romanov we have some data to retrieve.”

Clint walked faster than usual on purpose. Natasha was shorter than him. He knew she would have to either sprint or speed-walk to catch up with him. Annoying Natasha was he new favourite pastime, her fake-angry face was maybe one of the cutest and funniest thing in the world.

“Gosh, you’re such a dork. You could at least wait for me, you know.” She speed-walked until she was next to him and nudged him in the ribs. Clint faked a cry then wrapped his arm around Natasha’s shoulders. She pushed him and tried to make him trip. Clint laughed as he swiftly avoided her low kick.

“Don’t get me injured now or no Chinese restaurant for you next week.”

“Don’t try me, Barton.” She warned him.

They smirked at one another on last time as they set foot on the Quinjet.

Once they had turned the Quinjet’s engines on and were ready to leave, Natasha tapped twice on her earpiece and spoke. “STRIKE Team: Delta to base. Ready to leave. Do you copy?”

A female voice immediately answered. “Base to STRIKE Team: Delta. Departure granted. Fly safely and good luck with your mission. Over.”

Clint and Natasha both looked at each other at the same time, a serious look on their face. They were now on _‘Widow and Hawkeye mode’_ as Clint liked to call it.

“Let’s make short work of this mission!” said Clint, a wicked grin on his face.

Natasha took command of the aircraft and within minutes they were in the air ending for Louisiana. They came back a few hours later, data in hand and satisfied smirks on their faces.

*

**_December 26 th_ **

She expected things to feel less shitty once she was back at her place. Christmas at her parents’ house had been a nightmare. Her sister-in-law had been a nightmare.

**

“So, still working for that super-secret agency of yours, uh?”, Jenna asked. Maria could hear the scorn in her voice.

“Yes, I am.” Maria knew what was coming next. It always started the same way. Jenna would ask about her work, would then torment her with questions on classified information she knew Maria couldn’t talk about and finally, would complain about how _‘arrogant’_ and _‘unfriendly’_ Maria was with her.

“You’ve never liked me, Maria. I could tell from the day we met. Antonio?” Antonio was Maria’s older brother. “Antonio, please tell your sister to be less uptight with me. Do something about it! She’s your sister, not mine.”

“Babe. Come on. Leave her alone. You know she can’t talk about her work. Maria’s already told you countless times. Just talk about other things, okay? There are plenty of other things to talk about.”

Jenna glared at her husband and turned to face Maria again. Maria looked her right in the eye. Gosh, she hated that woman. She hated everything about that woman. Her looks, her voice, her face, her attitude. Everything.

_Why on earth did you marry that woman, Antonio. You deserve so much better._

Jenna was angry now. Her high-pitched voice made Maria wince. “You know, Maria, you could at least try. I’ve been trying for years now, but you make it impossible to bond with you." Jenna was standing up at this point. “Why aren't you like your sister? When I'm with her I can talk about things without upsetting her at every word that comes out of my mouth! But with you, everything is an excuse to get into a fight.”

Jenna slammed her fist on the table to sound more aggressive, but it was rather pathetic. A shit show that did not impress Maria at all. So, Maria did what she knew how to do best when it came to Jenna: she ignored her. She knew it would drive the woman crazy. She reached for the bourbon on the table and poured herself three fingers of it in a large glass before giving Jenna a big smile.

Thankfully, not everything about those five days had been a complete disaster. Sara and Jack were engaged, a news that had considerably helped ease the growing tension between the Hill family and Antonio’s wife.

“Sara, I’m so happy for you both! Come here, let me give you a hug”, Maria wrapped her arms around Sara’s neck and hold her tight before letting her go.

Wayne Hill was crying happy tears while vigorously shaking Jack’s hand. “My baby girl’s getting married. My Sara’s getting married!”

Adriana Hill was like a toddler in a candy shop, excitement taking over. “I want to know everything about it. How did he ask?”

Sara looked radiant. She was beaming with joy. “Well, he came back home one night saying he had a surprise for me. He said _‘Babe. Get dressed. I’m taking you out. Wear something warm and comfy. I’m taking you to the moon’_. Next thing I know, we were in a hot air-balloon with this amazing view of Boston and he popped the question. The rest is history.”

Maria’s mother gasped. “Oh, my goodness. How romantic! Jack, this is so romantic!”

Maria could not take her eyes off her sister. She looked so happy. Maria was crying too. She did not realise it until her father handed her a tissue, nudging her the ribs as he did. They both looked at each other and laughed. Everybody thought Maria and Wayne Hill were the tough ones in the family. Truth was, they were as soft as cotton candy could be. Maria never cried in front of people. She absolutely hated it. But for once, she did not care. Her baby sister was getting married, and it had to be the best thing in the whole world _._

**

But there she was, in her kitchen, drowning her loneliness and sorrow in an expensive bottle of scotch. Dropping by to say _‘hello’_ to Linda on her way back to New York had not been such a good idea after all. She poured herself three fingers of the strong liquor in a chipped glass to the sound of Stevie Nicks’ voice.

**

Linda was a mess. The death of her son had destroyed her. Linda had cried and cried and cried, sobbing into Maria’s arms, telling her how she missed her son. How she wished he had never enrolled in the first place. How he was destined to so many bright things and had been taken away from her too soon.

“A mother should never out-live her child”, Linda had cried out.

Maria had simply nodded, taking in all the woman’s pain and leaving as soon as Sam’s father was back from god knows where.

“I have to go. I’m very sorry. I wish I could stay a bit longer, but I still have a long way ahead and I hate driving in the dark.”

Barry, Sam’s father, rubbed her shoulder and gave her an apologetic smile. “You go. Don’t worry. It was very nice of you to come by. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you arrived, I was giving a hand at the shelter.”

Maria simply nodded, biting back a sob.

“You better go now”, he walked Maria back to the front door and gave her a quick hug. “I’m sorry about…” and he gestured to Linda.

“It’s okay. It was nice to see you too”, she gave him a weak smile and Barry opened the door for her.

“Stay safe, kid.”

Maria gave him a thumbs up and practically ran to her car. She drove down a few blocks before pulling up and silently cried. The pain was unbearable. Everything was hurting. Her back, her stomach, her head, her heart. A sudden urge to vomit took her and she had to get out of the car in a hurry before puking in the gutter. It took her half an hour to calm down and once she felt like she was able to drive safely, she left in a hurry. The ride home was rough. She had to stop several times to calm the growing anger and sadness that were now burning her inside and out.

**

She settled her empty glass on kitchen counter and grabbed the bottle to drink directly from it. She wished she had never gone to see Linda. Seeing Linda had reminder her of how life was even more fucked up than what she let herself assume it was. She took another long sip from the bottle and let the burning sensation in her throat and stomach take over all the rest.

_Simply drink and you’ll be fine._

She drank and drank and drank until she blacked out on the kitchen floor. She had to wake up twice in a pool of her own sweat before finally deciding it was best to have a cold shower and go to bed. By then, it was already half past three in the morning and she had to be at work in less than five hours.

_Thanks god it’s only paperwork. Boring. But at least I won’t have to deal with a bunch of idiots like Erikson._

*

**_December 27 th._ **

When she finally set foot on the Helicarrier, she felt a wave of relief wash over her. She could breathe again. Waking up had been rather challenging. She barely had had time to get dressed and drink her cup of coffee. But at least her bun was like she always wore it – without a hair out of place – and she was on time. _I’m home. At last._

She made her way to her office, politely greeting the other agents she met in the corridors. She arrived at her office at 8.30 a.m. on the dot and started working without much delay. It felt good to be working at her desk rather than spitting out orders. She appreciated the silent and calm an office offered. She was just finishing her third report when she heard a small knock on the door.

“Yes, come in.”

A familiar face popped through the crack of the door, and the faint smell of fresh coffee and pastry filled in the room. Maria smiled.

“Hey, Sharon. Come in!”

Sharon stepped in and closed the door behind her. “I’m not disturbing you, am I?”

“Nah, don’t worry. I’ve just finished, I’ve been at it for house and I need a distraction”, she eyed the coffee and paper bag Sharon was holding. “Is that for me?”

“Yup!” Sharon gently set the bag and the large take away coffee cup in front of Maria. “Bobbi said she saw you come in and, I quote, _‘Looks like the boss had a rough night’_. So, I popped down to the bakery you like and asked for your favourite”, she gestured to the paper bag.

“Did you get me a croissant?”

Sharon nodded.

“You are the best. Thank you so so much”, Maria hastily grabbed the paper bag, took the fresh croissant out and had to resist the urge to lick her lips.

“I didn’t even have a proper breakfast this morning, and I ran out of protein bars last week. You truly are a life saver, Sharon!”

She took a bite of her croissant and sighed in delight. Sharon laughed and made herself comfortable in the chair on the opposite side of Maria’s desk. Maria took another few bite of her croissant then reached out for the coffee and carefully sipped it. It was perfect. Black and hot, just like she loved it.

“So, how was Chicago?”

Maria took another sip of her coffee before answering. “It was a nightmare. Well, not all of it, but it was a nightmare.”

Sharon crossed her arms and leaned back into the chair.

“Jenna?”

“Yeah, Jenna. This woman is infuriating. She had a go at me, like always. She thinks I’m uptight”, she rolled her eyes. “But I have some good news!”

“Oh, tell me!”

“Well, Sara and Jack are getting married!”

“Oh, that’s great! You look happy about it.”

“Yes. I am. I really am. Jack’s good guy. They’re so in love, you should see them. It’s cute.”

They felt silent for a bit before Maria talked again. “I went to see Linda. Didn’t go well at all. I drank myself to sleep once I was home... I pasted out on the kitchen floor. Hence this face”, she gestured to her face.

“What happened?”

“Well, she cried the whole time I was there. In my arms. And… and it was too much. Too much pain for me… I can’t even handle my own pain and she just…”, she did not finish her sentence.

Sharon stayed silent. Asking questions would only twist the knife in the already deep wound. Sharon did not want that. The sharp beep of her phone draw them both by to reality.

“Oh, that’s May. We’re training together this morning. I asked her if she could teach me this move of hers. The one where she wraps her legs around your neck and chokes you while she’s still in the air. Pretty impressive move by the way… I better go but I’ll see you at lunch time, yeah?”

Maria nodded. “Yup! 1 p.m. in front of the cafeteria?”

“Sounds good to me”, Sharon was already at the door. “Oh, and by the way. Have you thought about New Year’s Eve?”

Maria looked confused for a few seconds then clapped her hands. “Ah, yes! The famous party…”

“If it can get you to come, I’ve heard Romanov will be there”

_Romanov will be there._

She could feel a warmth forming at the pit of her stomach as she repeated Sharon’s last words in her head. It took her a few seconds to register Sharon was still standing in the door frame, eyeing her with a malicious smile on her face. _Shit._

“Good for her.”

_Stay cool._

“ _Good for her_?” Sharon closed the door and leaned against it. She crossed her arms over her chest and waited. Maria took another bite of her croissant, feigning indifference. She was good at hiding her emotions and she was not about to let Sharon see through her act.

She chewed for a bit and did not bother to swallow before talking again. “Didn’t you have a training session with May?”

“Maria”, Sharon warned. “Do not change the subject!”

Maria finished her croissant and took a sip her coffee, then gently put the paper cup down on her very full desk. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sharon.”

It was her turn to cross her arms over her chest. “I’m a bit confused really.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Is there anything about some hug with some redhead you’d like to tell me about?”

_Oh no._

_I’m screwed._

_How does she even know?_

“A hug?” she scoffed. “You know I don’t hug people. Well… that’s not quite true, I hug you from time to time. But really a hug with a redhead? I’ve already told you there was nothing going on between Dr Keagan and me.”

“Ohhh. But the thing is, I’m not talking about Dr Keagan. And you know it”, Sharon uncrossed her arms and pretend to be annoyed.

“I’m sorry but I don’t know who you’re talking about, then”, Maria finished her coffee and popped the paper bag and cup in the bin under her desk.

“Oh, is that so?” Sharon had a malicious grin on her face. “I… how can I put this correctly… Ah, yes that’s it. About a month ago, I happened to witness a rather cute, I have to say, interaction between you and Romanov. Brings back any memories?”

Sharon looked pleased with herself, but Maria was not going to give her satisfaction of having her confessing to the hug with Romanov.

“Oh, you mean that time I gave her the most formal of embraces after she had saved your life?” she smirked, pleased with her answer. “I told you, I don’t give hugs.”

Sharon titled her head to the side and smiled. “This conversation is not over, Hill. And you’re coming to this party. There’s no way I’m letting you drink yourself to sleep all alone in your office. Understood?”

Maria waved it away. She knew arguing with Sharon about the party would be useless. She would be going to this party even if it meant the blonde had to drag her there. “If you don’t want to get yourself killed, you should go. You know how May gets when one’s late.”

Sharon opened the door and turned one last time. “1 p.m. Cafeteria. And, this conversation is not over.”

“Sir. Yes, Sir!” Maria answered, mimicking a military salute.

“Jackass”, she heard Sharon say before the door was closed.

Maria was so screwed. Sharon was not going to leave in peace for as long as she did not admit to hugging Romanov. _And to the very very slight crush I have on her._

*

**_Three days later – December 30 th._ **

“So, what are you going to wear?” Sharon was stretching out on the floor after a rather intense boxing session with Maria. “To the party, I mean. You remember it’s tonight, right?”

Maria was lying on the floor next to her, limbs stretched out like a starfish. Her mind had wandered off. She couldn’t stop thinking about Romanov. It had been at least a month since she had last interacted with the redhead, and it made her rather sad. She missed those green eyes. Maria had seen Romanov during briefings and weekly meetings in Fury’s office but hadn’t been able to approach her. She had tried, once, to catch her after a meeting but the redhead had been nowhere to be found. She had simply disappeared before Maria had even had the chance to get up from her seat. Something in Maria’s heart had sank that day. _Maybe the hug was too much?_

She scratched her forehead and popped herself up on one elbow. “Yes, I know it’s tonight. Don’t worry about me. I have this dress I’ve been wanting to wear for a while now.”

“Is it a new one?” Sharon bent forward at the waist and reached for her toes, stretching out her legs and back.

“Yeah, I bought it last year and never got the chance to wear it. And before you ask, you don’t get to see it before the party. This is punishment for dragging me there.”

Sharon gave her a smirk. “A surprise. I like surprises. I hope it’s a sexy dress. Remember you have a redhead to hit on.”

Maria pushed her and Sharon laughed. “I will not be hitting on Romanov!” she hissed.

“Yes, you will!”, Sharon nudged her in the ribs. “I know what I saw. Despite what you keep telling me, it was a _hug_.”

For the past three days, Maria had been careful the avoid the subject every time Sharon asked. Maria had always been shy when it came to feelings. She was not one to dwell on them in front of people because the conversation always ended up being cheesy and she hated cheesy. It made her embarrassed. Although she trusted Sharon with her life, there were still some things she liked to keep to herself.

“Whatever, Carter”. Her tone was neutral. She tried not to show how affected she was every time someone mentioned Romanov in front of her. Maria got up and outstretched her hand to help Sharon get up. “Meet me in front of my quarters by 8 p.m.?”

Sharon grabbed her hand and yanked herself up. “Yup. Sounds good. I better get back to my room if I want to be ready in time.”

“You do that. I have to stop to the cafeteria first, grab something to eat. I’m starving and I’m not drinking on an empty stomach.”

“Good call. See you tonight then.”

Maria gave her a thumbs up and left. She would take her shower in her bedroom and enjoy dinner alone listening to some music. The evening promised to be a long and excruciating one, and she intended on taking full advantage of all the moments of peace and quiet she could have before the party.

*

It had been quite a long week. A week of finishing up some paperwork, of helping Clint pick a suit and of choosing an outfit for herself. All of this with not so much sleep and a recurrent migraine. Natasha was tired. Scratch that. She was on edge and exhausted. Her nightmares had never been worse. Night after night, she had woken up early in the morning screaming in pain, fingers nails dinging deep into her palms and sheets pushed down to the far end of the bed.

But her last nightmare had been particularly rough. When she came to, she was not quite sure where she was at first. Everything around her felt cold. Much too cold. Waking up freezing was nothing new to her, but it was always unsettling. Bits and pieces of her nightmare swirled in her brain. The images were hard to pin down, as confusion soon took over the fear she carried in her chest. Her entire body ached. All the muscles in her back, in her neck, in her shoulders, in her legs ached as if she had been exercising and had not stretched properly afterwards. But her aching muscles were nothing compared to the pain in her head. She tried to rub her eyes and to open them, but pain split into her brain and skull as soon as her fingertips touched her eyelids. She had to fight the urge to vomit.

Natasha exhaled slowly a couple of times before she popped herself up on both elbows. The motion sent shivers through her spine but at least the urge to vomit had disappeared. She sat up and grabbed the bottle of water on her nightstand. The water was at room temperature. She preferred it cold, but at least it helped ease of a bit of the soreness in her throat.

She carefully got up from her bed and felt around a bit until she managed to make her way to the bathroom. She didn’t bother to put the lights one, she knew it would make the headache worse. She rummaged through her medicine cabinet until she found the pills she was looking for. She popped two of them in her mouth and swallowed them with a bit of water.

She stumbled back to her bed and let herself drop on the mattress. As she stretched her limbs, her hand fell on her phone next to the bottle of water. She turned it on and checked what time it was. The digital clock indicated 7.30 p.m. She was supposed to meet Clint in front of the cafeteria at 9 p.m. She sighed heavily and dropped her phone on the carpet next to her bed. She did a quick math in her head. She had slept 9 hours, which was good, but not in a row, though. Not so good then.

She had gone to bed at around midnight and had woken up at three. After a two-hour session at the gym, she had gone back to bed for another two hours, waking up around seven-thirty. Clint was already awake by then, so she texted him, asking him if he wanted to go grab some breakfast with her. They went to a small café a few blocks away from Time’s Square and enjoyed a plateful of pancakes each. She loved pancakes.

They had spent most of their morning outside, simply wandering about in the busy streets of New York. Fury had lifted the restrictions on Natasha where abouts a few days after her first weekend in New York. He thought that it was time Natasha had the right to go wherever she wanted to go during her off-duty periods. Natasha hadn’t commented on Fury’s decision. She thought it was fair and about time. It wasn’t like she hadn’t proven herself by then.

Spending her morning outside was a good way to get rid of all the bad thoughts that bothered her. She needed to clear her head and locking herself up in her quarters was not the best of options. When 3 p.m. had rung, Natasha had left Clint to his training session and had gone back to bed. She could use another couple of hours of sleep. Tonight’s party promised to be a busy one and Natasha was counting on making the most of it with Clint. It was her first time ever celebrating New Year’s Eve after all.

She laid flat on her back for a few more minutes then got up again. She opened the shutters to let the last of the evening light come in. She stayed at the widow for a bit, looking at the view. From where she was standing, she could see most of New York. Everything looked so small, she was still not used to it. The meds were kicking in, the migraine slowly creeping back into the far end of her head. She went to her closet and took out the outfit she would be wearing to the party. She gently laid it out on the bed and headed for the shower in hopes of chasing away the tension in her shoulders.

She emerged from the bathroom forty minutes later, hair washed and the cold sweat from her nightmare meticulously scrubbed off every inch of her skin. A faint smell of apple shampoo filled in the room. She grabbed her body lotion and proceeded in moisturising every inch of her skin. Body lotion had always been a luxury back when she still worked for the Red Room, but since she had joined S.H.I.E.L.D. she had made a point in putting some after each shower. Taking care of her body as well as her cracked and dry skin was something Natasha had never done before. It still felt odd from time to time, but she liked it.

Then, she sat at her dressing table to do her makeup and hair. _I want something simple. Something that draws attention to my eyes but not too provocative. Tonight’s about blending in._

She gave it a thought and finally opted for a thin layer of foundation and a dark red but discreet lipstick. For her eyes, she went with a bit of mascara and a touch of taupe-coloured eye shadow. Once her eyes were finished, she took the time to admire the result in the mirror in front of her. It was both simple and effective. The eyeshadow accentuated the green of her eyes just enough. Now, it was time to get working on her hair. While she was showering, she had made sure to undo the few small braids she still had. She hesitated for a moment between leaving her hair loose or tying it up. It wasn't often that she could wear her natural hair. She finally went for a simple hairstyle. She let her hair dry off naturally so it could form beautiful waves. Then, she separated it either side of a straight-line. She applied some gel so her hair would cleanly be stuck on her scalp and added a few hair clips just above both her ears to amplify the look. She leaned back in her chair and took a few minutes to take it all in.

_Perfect. Now the outfit._

She checked the time on her phone. She still had half an hour. She would be on time, like always. She slowly undid the zipper of the sparkling turquoise jumpsuit she would be wearing tonight. Clint had mentioned a dress code but had been rather vague. She had made her own inquiry going directly to the source, the source being Dr Keagan.

_"Yes, I thought a dress code would be a good idea. I think it will do everyone good to wear something other than our uniforms. They're a bit dull, aren't they", she laughed. "The dress code is not strict, though. Come however you like but be elegant!"_

_"It's noted. Thank you, Dr Keagan. I guess I'll see you at the party then."_

_"You're welcome, Agent Romanov. I'm glad you're joining us! See you soon."_

Natasha slipped a pair of black thick heels and finished up her look with a pair of diamond ears rings and a small black pouch in which she slipped the e-key to her room and a pack of chewing-gum. She looked at time on her phone. Ten to nine.

When she finally reached the cafeteria, Clint was already there waiting for her. He was wearing the outfit Natasha had chosen for him. A black and white tuxedo with a pair of shiny black Oxford shoes. Natasha had insisted Clint wear a white jacket and a white shirt (with black buttons) to create a nice contrast with his black trousers and shoes. He was wearing a rather impressive Rolex, that Natasha didn’t particularly liked, and a black bow tie. His hair was less scruffy than usual, and he had made an effort to shave properly.

When Clint noticed Natasha at the other end of the corridor, he’s eyes widened in surprised. “Well, hello there, Agent Romanov”, he said once she was standing in front of him. “I have to say, you look stunning!”

“Well, thank you! You don’t look too bad yourself, Agent Barton”, she gave him a smug smile. Clint extended one of his arms out so Natasha could loop hers in the crook of his elbow.

“Oh, well I happen to have this friend. She has a very good sense of fashion.”

“It seems so, yes”, she chuckled.

They made their way to the elevator that would take them to the Helicarrier’s last floor. The party was taking place in on the aircraft’s unoccupied rooms, that was occasionally used as a reception room for when Fury was meeting important people.

When they arrived, the party had already started about an hour ago and most of the people were already there. It was rare for parties to be held on the Helicarrier and everyone had rushed to the opening. They worked on a battleship after all.

Natasha instantly studied her surroundings. Force of habit. Her eyes swept the room twice before stopping on the glass doors leading to a balcony that offered a breath-taking view of New York City. Then she focused on the bar across the room. The bar looked new, probably because bought for the special occasion. A few people were sitting on stools next to the bar, enjoying their drinks while most of the other agents were chatting in small groups in the middle of the room, drinks in hand too. Natasha let her eyes wander a bit until they spotted a significant amount of alcohol that had been meticulously stored in wooden boxes behind the bartenders and barmaids. She smiled. At least there would be plenty to drink. Music was playing, something with a steady beat but she couldn’t recognise the tune over all the voices. Clint tapped her hand gently to get her attention.

"Do you want to go to the bar?"

"Yes, good idea. I'm getting a little thirsty."

They made their way through the crowd and settled quietly on two stools at the bar. A young woman appeared out of nowhere to serve them.

"What can I get you?"

Clint spoke first. "I'll have a gin and tonic, please."

The young lady turned to Natasha to take her order, but Natasha was not paying attention. She was studying the crowd. Clint gave her a little nudge. "Hey, Nat. What do you want?"

"Yes, excuse me," she shook her head lightly, her earrings following the motion. "I'll have a whisky with no ice, please."

"It's as good as done," the girl replied. She came a few minutes later with both drinks in hand and a small bowl of peanuts. “Have a nice evening!”

“Thank you”, replied Clint with a big smile. Once the woman was gone, he turned to Natasha glass in hand. “She was cute.”

“She was. But she’s also way out of your league”, her tone was playful, and Clint simply smiled. Natasha grabbed her glass and swirled the amber liquid around before taking a sip. The strong liquor lightly burned the back of her throat and a feeling of warmth slowly spread in her stomach, as the liquor settled in the pit of it. She smiled. The whisky was good.

She was about to comment on a man wearing a yellow tux, Agent Burk if she remembered correctly, when something appeared in the corner of her right eye and caught her attention. She quickly turned her head to see what it was. Or rather who it was. A woman wearing a burgundy dress. When her eyes finally settled on the woman in the dress, her heart stopped. The woman must have caught Clint’s attention too because Natasha heard him choke on his drink.

“Is that who I think it is?” said Clint. He turned slightly to set his glass back on the counter and grab a paper napkin to dab his chin. When he turned back to look at the crow again, Natasha was gone and so was her drink.

“Where the hell did she go?” he muttered to himself. He scanned the room for a few seconds before he spotted Natasha’s red hair. That’s when he realised she was following the woman in red. He smirked an ordered another gin.

*

The air was fresh and the sky clear. Maria was looking at the stars to distract herself. She was nervous. She knew she should have never said _‘yes’_ to Sharon. Drinking herself to sleep in her quarters felt like a good idea again. _Poor Sharon. It’s not her fault._

Sharon had been looking forward to this party for weeks, a moment she wanted to share with Maria. But it had been too much for the brunette. The whispers, the stares. It had made her feel like shit. People were so fucking judgemental.

Making Sharon sad was the last thing Maria wanted. So, instead of leaving the party, Maria had lied, saying she needed a bit of fresh air. That’s how she had found herself standing in the cold of the winter, in her dress, on a small balcony overlooking the tarmac.

She was deep in her thoughts when she heard the distinctive click of heels hitting the concrete floor. She quickly turned to see who it was. When her eyes feel on the woman walking towards her, her breath caught in the back of her throat. The woman stopped a few feet away from her, a glass of whisky in one hand and a black pouch in the other. Maria couldn’t believe her eyes.

_Romanov._

Romanov was wearing a sparkling turquoise jumpsuit and a pair of black thick high heels. The deep neckline of the jumpsuit showed off her smooth pale skin and a glimpse of her breasts. Maria tried not to stare, but it was hard. The woman was simply breath-taking. The fabric of the outfit clutched perfectly to Romanov body, harmoniously accentuating all of her curves. Maria managed to take her eyes away from Romanov’s figure and concentrated instead on her face. When their eyes locked, Maria’s breath caught in the back of her throat. Again.

_I think I’m having a stroke._

Romanov gave her a shy smile taking Maria by surprise.

_Romanov usually doesn’t seem like a shy person._

She could feel a warmth rising at the pit of her stomach and she dropped her gaze when she realised Romanov eyes were checking her out too. She didn’t want to let Romanov see the slight blush creeping on her cheeks.

There was a slight gust of wind and Hill's hair danced softly. Hill tucked a strand of her loose hair behind her ear relieving a small helix piercing. Natasha couldn’t taker her eyes of her. Suddenly, Hill’s body posture changed a bit and she was facing ahead again, away from Natasha. It gave the redhead the chance to take a closer look at Hill’s outfit. The brunette was wearing a slit side burgundy dress and matching high heels. The lack of material on each side of Hill’s torso, shoulders and strong arms made Natasha’s stomach flip. The dress showed off her toned and tanned legs as well as a glimpse of her breast thanks to a deep V-neck. Natasha’s eyes slowly made their way up and down Hill’s body, taking in every inch of it before focusing on her face. The light makeup – a bit of mascara and eye-shadow matching the colour of her dress – accentuated her blue eyes’ intensity. Natasha couldn’t resist the urge to softly bite on her lower lip.

_She’s beautiful._

Natasha noted that it was the first time she saw Hill wearing her hair down. Her brown waves were parted either side of her head and fell slightly above the crook of her neck. She stared at her for a few more minutes before realising the brunette was shivering.

_Shit. She’s freezing._

Natasha hadn’t even noticed how cold it was outside. She had raised in the Russian cold. Her body was less sensitive to snow, rain or wind. But Hill, she was not used to standing bare arms and legs in the cold. Natasha took a few apprehensive steps towards Hill giving her the time to register Natasha’s presence before gently placing her hand on Hill’s cold forearm.

“You’re freezing. Why don’t you come back in with me?”

Romanov’s kind tone and gentle touch startled Maria. She was not expecting that from the redhead. It took her a few seconds to answer and when she did, she avoided Romanov’s eyes.

“I’m fine. I think I’ll stay here for a bit.”

Romanov’s palm and fingers against her skin were surprisingly warm and Maria wished she could have been able to extract this warmth to wrap it all around her body. Silence settled again between the two of them, but it wasn't an awkward one. Natasha gently trailed her hand down Hill's arm before removing it completely. Both instantly missed the touch.

“I don’t like those parties either. I only came because Clint said it would be fun. I didn’t want to be alone I guess.”

Maria’s breath hitched and she wondered if she was dreaming. There was an honesty in Romanov’s voice. An honesty in her touch, and Maria wondered if it was normal that she felt so shaken by it.

“I came because Sharon said I could use the distraction, and I really could use the distraction. But… People don’t really like me… They think I’m uptight. You probably already know how they nicknamed me”, she said bitterly.

“And… And I guess I wanted to show them I could also be fun to be around. That I’m not all uptight and serious. But, I just…” she pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. “All those people staring at me, whispering because they’ve never seen me in a dress or because they’ve never seen me with my hair down was just…”

“… it was just too much. It feels like you’re the freak in a freak show.”

Maria opened her eyes and turned to face Romanov again. Their eyes met and Maria could feel butterflies creeping up in her stomach.

“Yeah, exactly.”

The vulnerability in Hill’s eyes made Natasha want to reach out. Suddenly, she wanted to hug her like Hill had hugged her a month ago in that corridor. Instead, she handed Hill her glass of whiskey. "Drink this, it will warm you up a bit."

Maria hesitated before taking the glass. When she did, her hand brushed against Romanov’s, sending shivers all the way up both of their arms. Maria titled her head backwards and swallowed the liquor in one go. The burning sensation spreading through her throat and belly warmed her up a bit. She gave the glass back to Romanov and smiled.

“You’re sure you don’t want to go back in. I don’t mind staying outside. I don’t feel the cold but you, you’re clearly freezing to death. So…”

“Oh, I’m okay. It’s a bit chilly but I’m okay.”

As she said so, goose bumps erupted all over her arms and legs. Romanov titled her head and gave her a _‘I told you so’_ look. They both laughed and Natasha reached her hand out to Hill. “Now, come on. Let’s go back inside.”

Maria took Romanov's hand without much hesitation. The warmth of the redhead’s palm sent jolts through Maria’s belly. For a moment, she was tempted to lace their fingers together but went against it. The hug had been too much, and she had paid the consequences the hard way (sort of). She wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.

The warmth that greeted them when they stepped back into the reception room made Maria shivers once again. Romanov was still holding her hand and guided her through the crowd until they finally reached the bar. Romanov let go of her hand, the sudden loss of contact making Maria a bit sad.

“Wait for me here. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

And Romanov disappeared behind the bar. She emerged a few minutes later, two bottles of scotch in hand, her pouch tucked under her arm and a satisfied smirk on her face. She pushed one bottle into Maria’s right hand and took the left one in hers like she had done on the balcony.

“Come with me.”

“Where are you taking me?” Maria had to raise her voice so Romanov could hear her over the loud music. Their pace matched the steady beat of the music making Natasha smile.

“You’ll find out soon enough.”

She couldn’t believe she was doing this. Hill’s hand in hers didn’t feel real. _Maybe it’s all a dream?_

They zigzagged between the different groups and finally managed to get out of the room under the astound looks of a couple of agents.

"Don't pay attention to them," Natasha whispered in Hill's ear.

Maria nodded just as her eyes met Sharon's. She waved at the blonde and was about to shout something to her when Sharon interrupted her with a raised hand. The blonde mouthed a _'don't worry about me. Have a nice evening'_ and gave her a thumbs up before disappearing behind a tall dude wearing a yellow tux.

_Who even wears a yellow tux?_

They were now in the corridors of the Helicarrier. Natasha thought it was maybe best to let go of Hill's hand, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She did not quite understand why or how, but in the most natural way, she intertwined their fingers. Natasha had never done this before, with anyone. Yet, holding Hill’s hand like this felt so familiar, so natural. What was she doing? She was the one who had ran away when Hill had hugged her, she was the one who had avoided her for weeks.

Natasha caught a glimpse of confusion in Hill's blue eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared when Hill stroked the back of Natasha’s hand with her thumb. The feeling of guilt that had been building itself up in the pit of her own stomach disappeared immediately. It seemed like Hill was ready to give her some sort of second chance.

Maria glanced at their joined hands. Something about Romanov’s behaviour was off and by off she meant different, new, intriguing. Romanov was initiating contact, something Maria felt was deeply intimate for the redhead. _I bet not many people get to hold hands like this with The Black Widow._

Her thumb was stroking Romanov’s hand before she knew it. The woman’s skin was smooth and warm. It felt so good, and Maria had to fight hard not to bring the woman’s hand to her lips. Instead, she squeezed Romanov’s hand slightly and focused on maintaining a steady and soft motion with her thumb on Romanov’s knuckles. She glanced at Romanov and had to swallow hard before she could talk. The woman walking next to her was absolutely stunning.

“Where are you taking me?”

“You’ve already asked me that. And I said…”, Natasha made sure her shoulders brushed against Hill’s. “ _’you’ll find out soon enough’_.”

Maria smiled. Under normal circumstances, she would have insisted. She would have made sure the person who was dragging her away from a party gave her a real answer. But tonight, it didn’t feel right. She didn’t want to think, she didn’t want to analyse. So, she went along. It seemed to be Romanov's way of doing things. Mystery. And Maria didn’t want to mess it all up.

“I guess I’ll find out soon enough, then.”

They walked for a few more minutes, turning right once and left twice before Maria finally recognised the corridor they were in. Romanov was taking her to one of the abandoned -if she could out it like this - parts of the aircraft. She remembered coming to this part of the ship once, a long time ago. It happened when she first joined S.H.I.E.L.D. and Fury personally gave her a tour of the aircraft.

“We’re nearly there”. Romanov’s voice was husky and seductive. It sent shivers through Maria’s spin and something in her chest twitched.

They turned one last time and found themselves in a cul-de-sac leading to a large steel door. Natasha placed the bottle she was holding down on the floor and pressed her hand on the scanner that was on the left side of the door frame. The device analysed her fingerprints and when its light turned green, the heavy door opened. Natasha took a step backwards, grabbing her bottle in the process and making sure she was still holding Hill’s hand.

"After you," she gestured to the door with her chin. Maria glanced at Romanov before taking a step forward, entering the room. As soon as she was in, she turned around to look at Romanov again, eyes amazed by what they were seeing.

"What is this place? The view is… it’s wow!”

"Yes,” Natasha chuckled. “It’s wow… Clint showed me the place. No one ever comes here, so I figured I might as well come whenever I needed a bit of peace and quiet.”

Maria scanned the room. It looked exactly like the lounge next to the cafeteria, but it was smaller, more intimate. The room was long and narrow but large enough to welcome at least twenty people. There were a few pieces of nice furniture: three sofas, a pool table, a bar and a few stools. A cosy atmosphere. But what really made the room charming was the view. Just like in the reception room, an entire section of one of the walls had been replaced by a large bay window offering a perfect view of New York.

Romanov gently pulled on Maria’s hand to catch her attention. “You want to sit down?”

“Yeah, let’s sit down. Do you have a favourite sofa?”

Natasha chuckled. The brushing of Hill’s thumb had stopped, and she found herself missing it. “The one at the far end. It’s softer than the other.”

“Great! Let’s sit there then.”

But neither one of them moved. Maria knew she had to let go of Romanov’s hand. She didn’t want to, but they couldn’t hold hands forever. She took one last look at the joined hands before gently wiggled her fingers out of Romanov’s hold. She deliberately brushed her thumb over the redhead’s knuckles one last time and made sure her grip on her fingers loosened slowly, before letting go of them completely. They stood there for a few seconds, staring at each other’s now lonely hands, hesitating on what they should do next. It was Natasha who talked first. “Why don’t you sit, and I’ll bring us each a glass.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” she reached for the bottle Romanov was holding and gently pulled it away from her hand. “Let me take that for you.”

She gave Romanov a shy smile before heading to the sofa. She let herself fall lazily and made herself comfortable against the soft fabric. She settled the two bottles on the coffee table in front of her. _How on earth are we going to finish two bottles._

She let her hand brush over the fabric of the couch. It was mechanical, like a habit when you want to smooth out your anxiety a bit. She was staring ahead, looking at the city lights without really looking. Her mind had wandered off. _What’s happening? Why are we here? Why is she behaving like this?_

She closed her eyes and lightly shook her head. _Stop thinking. Stop. Thinking._

She opened her eyes again when she felt the couch sink a bit under Romanov’s weigh. The redhead handed her a glass. “Here you go.”

“Thanks. Wait…” Maria grabbed on of the bottles and opened it. “Let me…” she didn’t finish her sentence, instead pouring the scotch in Romanov’s glass and then in hers. She put the bottle back on the coffee table and slightly turned her upper body so she could look at Romanov.

“Cheers! I guess…” she said with a shy smile. _Gosh, why am I so nervous?_

“Cheers!” answered Romanov, clinking their glasses.

They each took a sip of their drinks and Maria couldn’t stop a soft moan from escaping her lips when the liquor ran down her throat. Romanov smiled into her glass before dropping it on her lap. She was sitting legs crossed, her upper body slightly turned towards Hill so she could get a better look at her face. And her décolleté. Obviously.

Her eyes wandering down Hill’s body before they settled on the brunette’s face again. Hill was looking at her too, and when their eyes meet Natasha was pretty sure she saw something shift in Hill’s gaze. A spark of something she had never seen before.

_Nervousness?_

_A bit. But it’s more than that._

_Desire?_

_Yes, but there’s something else. Look closer._

Hill cleared her throat. “So, I have a question. Was it you that chose Barton’s suit? It might be the first time I’ve seen him wearing something decent”, she chuckled.

_Curiosity._

_It’s curiosity._

“Yes, I chose it for him,” she titled her head slightly. “Clint has absolutely no sense of fashion, he clearly needed my help…”

_It can’t be right. It simply can’t be. What if it’s a trap? At has to be a trap. What if she’s trying to get me in her bed and win that damn bet?_

“And you clearly have an impressive sense of fashion. This outfit is amazing”, Hill gestured to Natasha’s turquoise jumpsuit.

“You don’t look too bad yourself, Hill.”

She tried to smirk when a light blush appeared on Hill’s cheeks, but her mind was elsewhere. Maria tried to hide it behind her glass, but she knew Romanov had noticed it. _Why the fuck am I nervous like this? I’m too old to be nervous._

“My turn. I have a question for you…” Natasha paused. “What’s your deal?”

Maria’s breath caught in her throat and nearly chocked on her own saliva. Romanov’s question was abrupt, aggressive and completely out of the blue. Maria looked right into her eyes, her own gaze hardening. She pressed her lips tight before talking. When she did, her voice was low and strong. _What the hell?_

“What do you mean ‘what’s _my_ deal’?”

Romanov moved a bit closer, narrowing her eyes as she did. She glared back at Maria. The glare cut straight through Maria, sending a cold shiver down her spin as she caught a glimpse of the danger that laid hidden under the surface of the redhead’s perfect smile. Maria leaned further back into the sofa as an attempt to create a bit of distance between Romanov and herself. Romanov was close. In another context, it wouldn’t have bothered Maria the least, but at that extract moment, she felt rather threatened.

“Why did you hug me?”

The question was serious, and Romanov was more menacing than ever, but Maria couldn’t hold back the small nervous laugh that escaped her lips. _I knew I should never have hugged her._

“What's going on here?”

Her answer didn’t seem to please Romanov at all because within mere seconds, Maria was pressed against the sofa’s backrest with Romanov’s forearm pressed hard against her collarbone and her other hand gripping her forearm.

“Just answer the damn question Hill”, she growled. “Why. Did. You. Hug. Me?”

She could feel Romanov’s hot breath on her lips. It smelt of scotch and peppermint toothpaste. Not a bad combination if – once more – they had been in another context.

“Isn’t it obvious. I was trying to say _‘thank you’_. You saved my best friend’s life that day, remember?”

Natasha studied her eyes for a few seconds. There was an honesty in Hill’s tone, in Hill’s eyes. _What if she’s telling the truth?_

“A simple _‘thank you’_ would have sufficed, you know?”

Maria could feel Romanov relax a bit, but the fire in her eyes was still burning hard. Maria’s eyes dropped and she looked away.

“Yeah, well it seemed like a good idea at the time”, she murmured. Then realisation hit her. She turned her head and pressed herself closer against Romanov. When their eyes met, Maria was still glaring, but there was no heat behind it this time. “Wait, why are you asking?”

“Because it feels like you’re trying to trick me. It’s not like there’s a bet on who will get me to sleep with them”, Romanov’s voice was cold, and Maria could make out a hint of sadness in it.

“Shit. Romanov, I’m sorry… I swear I’m not trying to use you”, she slowly leaned her head down to catch Romanov’s eye.

Romanov scoffed. Her arm was still pressed against Maria’s collarbone. Now was not the time to make a bold move. Romanov would let go of her, eventually. “I promise, I was only trying to be nice. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have overstepped like th-”

“Stop apologising”, Romanov interrupted her.

With the hand that had, until very recently, been firmly affixed to the brunette’s forearm, Natasha gently cupped Hill’s face and brushed her thumb along her cheekbone. Maria’s breath itched and all she could feel was Romanov’s hand on her skin. The arm still firmly pressed against her collarbone didn’t stop her from turning her face into the touch, her eyes never looking away from Romanov’s.

“I’m not used to people being nice to me… Or to people being grateful for something I’ve done.”

Romanov’s words were barely above a whisper. She moved closer slowly, studying Hill’s face.

“I’m not used to people hugging me like you did… You’re a good huger by the way…”

They both smiled. Natasha pressed herself a bit more against Hill, drawing her face closer to the brunette. Her intentions were clear, but she wanted to make sure Hill had the time to push her away if she didn’t want what was coming next. But Hill didn’t move. 

Natasha stroked Hill’s cheek again before she gently, but firmly, pressed their lips together. Maria was thrown off guard. Not by the kiss itself – she knew it was coming – but by how surprisingly gentle the kiss was. _I was not expecting that. Maybe something a bit more aggressive, but definitely not that._

Romanov’s tongue was brushing along Maria’s lips, lighting up a strong fire in the pit of the brunette’s stomach. Maria's hands automatically settled on Romanov’s hips, gently gripping the rough fabric of her turquoise outfit. Romanov’s lips parted, and Maria deepened the kiss, slipping her tongue into Romanov’s mouth. The motion sent jolts to Natasha’s stomach and an unfamiliar warmth enveloped her chest. After a moment, both their heads started spinning and the need for oxygen was getting urgent. Maria gently bit on Natasha’s lower lip and pulled it slowly until it slipped from between her teeth before drawing back completely. As she did, a soft sound escaped from the back of her throat making them both smile. When they finally parted, they were both panting heavily, cheeks flushed and eyes dark with desire. Maria settled back against the sofa, wetting her own kiss-swollen lips while her thumb was tracing light circles on a soft spot above Romanov’s waist. Maria’s other hand started to reach up to stoke Romanov’s cheek, but she quickly reconsidered, letting it fall on her lap instead. Natasha noticed but didn’t comment on it. Instead, she pulled her arm away from Maria’s collarbone but kept her other hand on Maria’s forearm. She squeezed it once before letting go of it and taking her original position back, a few inches away from Hill. The sudden loss left them both longing for more but they stayed still.

Hill was the one who spoke first. “What’s your deal?”

Her voice was hoarse and there was nothing aggressive in her tone. She was looking straight into Natasha’s eyes, a wide grin on her face. Something about the way Hill was looking at her made Natasha uncomfortable but she couldn’t quite point out why. She didn’t recognise it at first, but when she finally did her breath caught up in the back of her throat. She had seen this look before. Twice. The first time, when Hill had tackled her. The second time, just before she had hugged her. She was looking at her like nothing else around them existed. She was looking at her like she was the sun.

Clint’s words echoed in her head. _“I think that she likes you. Like, actually likes you.”_

Then Madam’s voice took over. _“Love is for children, Natalia. Love makes you weak.”_

Natasha jumped off the sofa and grabbed her pouch that was the coffee table. Hill was staring at her, confused. “Is everything okay?”

_I can’t. I just can’t. I was not trained to feel. I was not trained to be weak. Feelings are a weakness. I cannot be weak because of Maria Hill._

The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them. Her voice was loud, her tone harsh. She needed to make herself clear, even if it meant hurting Hill. It was better to hurt her now than to let her hope for something that would never happen.

"Whatever you think is going on between us" she gestured back and forth between Hill and herself. "There's nothing. You looked sad and I kissed you to cheer you up. That’s all."

Natasha felt her whole body stiffen when pain and sadness filled Hill's eyes up. She knew she had to get out of here fast. The air in the room was getting thicker by the minute and she was starting to feel nauseous.

The unexpected and rough statement made Maria’s breath hitch, and her chest tightened. She could feel Romanov’s words burning every inch of her skin as shame slowly took over. How could she have believed for one second that Romanov was being sincere? How could she have been fooled so easily?

She wanted to scream and curse. She wanted to hit Romanov in the face, but she knew better than to hit the former assassin. The woman could kill her with one move if she wanted to, and Maria intended on staying alive. Instead, she leaned back a little further into the sofa and balled her fists until her nails were digging into the soft skin of her palms. She glared at Romanov with every ounce of hate and rage she had in her.

Natasha’s movements were quick. She had to leave now before Hill said or did something. The last thing Natasha wanted was to get into a verbal or a physical fight with the brunette. She grabbed the already opened bottle of scotch – she would be needing that tonight – moved around the sofa, carefully avoiding Hill’s side, and quickly made her way to the door. She didn’t wait for it to fully open and didn’t bother to look behind her when she slipped through the small opening. And just like that she was gone.

As soon as Maria was sure Romanov had left, she exited the room and ran to the nearest lift. She pressed the bouton call harder than necessary until the door opened in a loud _‘bing’_. The ride felt horribly long and she cursed profusely at the lift for being too slow. Once she was out, she seep-walked to her bedroom door. On the way, she passed the man wearing the yellow tux and gave him a dirty look.

“What are you staring at! Move.”

The sheer terror on the poor guy's face did nothing to ease her rage. On the contrary, it made it worse. She needed to hit something, and she needed to hit it now. She didn’t even wait for her bedroom door to be fully closed before she ripped her dress off and threw her heels on her bed, changing into her sports gear and making sure her hair was back into its tight bun and her makeup wiped off.

The gym was empty when she pushed the heavy door open. It didn’t surprise her at all. Everybody was enjoying themselves at the party. She went for her locker and grabbed her hand wraps. It was a calming ritual to put them on, to feel the protection around her wrists and hands. She walked towards the punching bag and her body automatically settled into a fighting stance. Rage was still boiling inside of her when she started her drill, hitting the punching bag hard. The sound of her gloves on the bag filled the empty gym, her shoes squeaking on the floor as she occasionally adjusted her stance. Every punch that landed burned more than the other, but she pushed on, not stopping once. She pushed on and on until her arms couldn’t hold themselves up, until her legs gave in under her weigh. She laid exhausted on the floor for what felt like ages, until she felt strong enough to pull herself up. But, instead of taking a shower, instead of going back to her room, she punched again, and again, until her body couldn’t take it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this third chapter. Feel free to leave a comment, it's always nice to have feedback. I'll try to post chapter 4 very soon. 
> 
> Until then take care. See you around!
> 
> PS : Natasha's outfit was inspired by the turquoise jumpsuit worn by Cate Blanchett's character, Lou Miller, in Ocean's 8; and Maria's dress was inspired by Cobie Smulders' outfit for the Avengers Endgame premiere.


End file.
